


Fallin'

by Caroaimezoe



Series: Forsaken [2]
Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Drugs, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:00:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22215196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caroaimezoe/pseuds/Caroaimezoe
Summary: Raph hoped he would get his happy ending, but a honeymoon couldn't last forever.Set during Summer 2002, a few months after Forsaken for Our Future's ending.
Relationships: Leonardo/Raphael (TMNT)
Series: Forsaken [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599136
Comments: 60
Kudos: 30
Collections: TMNT Human AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alessa_DC](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessa_DC/gifts), [Oas1s](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oas1s/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no English speaker

_Summer 2002_

* * *

  
Raph hated it. After all misunderstood had been cleared, he and Leo had been in a two months honeymoon. Leo felt like he was reborn and youth again, he had told Raph. Indeed, Leo was having sex as a teenager able to cum four times in two hours and almost always hard as steel in his pants. His divorce with Hazel had gone smoothly. Raph had never been so happy, neither, but towards Easter, shit has happened. 

A thing that had bugged him at the beginning of their relationship was the slowness Leo used to introduce him to his father. It took around three weeks. Leo had argued Donnie has to explain his part of responsibility about Hazel’s pregnancy to their father before. Then, a few days after the man had swallowed the truth, Leo would introduce him Raph. Raph had requested to be presented many times; he needed reassurance about Leo’s commitment. And so, Leo had insisted very coldly to his brother on the phone, commenting about how Don needed to grow a pair. Finally, the Doc had informed his brother by a short text that it was done and Raph had been very excited when they had arrived at Leo’s father’s house. He had made it, after months of daydreams and deceived hopes. 

His encounter with Leo’s father had been lukewarm and the handshake given with some reservation. It was apparent the old man was disapproving of his eldest son’s choice but loved Leo too much to voice it. Maybe he kept his indignation for his other son. From what he knew, to learn he wouldn’t be grandfather from the eldest son had been a big deal. They didn’t stay long. The way the old man refused to look at Raph in the eyes and his lack of eagerness to know him had rubbed Leo the wrong way. The only moment the man had got animated was when he showed Leo’s medals and trophies in what was still Leo’s room in the summer house. No word had been spoken about his other son, who was still a genius in his field. Raphael had find it odd. He wasn’t even Ma’s biological son and had never achieved something impressive, neither Casey, but the woman still loved them deeply and evenly. He almost understood better how Don had grown up being an asshole.

Raph had been happy, thus, when they left. He was now Leo’s official boyfriend.

But now that he knew better, Raph would have rather preferred Leo never made a move because one month later, Leo’s father died. And since when, it was hellish. Okay, hellish was probably exaggerated, but their honeymoon had brutally ended. 

Leo said he had nothing to do with, but Raph knew better. In the same week, the old man had learned his daughter in law was pregnant with the son she wasn’t married with and that the other son, his eldest and obviously big favorite, was gay and in relationship with a black thug. No wonder the old man got a stroke.

Leo’s father was wealthy. Besides money and the summer house in Massachusetts, he had left to Leo a collection Porsche. From what he knew, Donnie, the home wrecker, according to Leo’s father, got pretty nothing. Leo didn’t boast about it as Don didn’t complain. If Raph knew about the heritage share, it was because he was there at the last will meeting. To say that this meeting had been cold and tense was an understatement. 

Despite Leo claiming he wasn’t resentful about his ex-wife being pregnant from his brother, Raph had a doubt. Hazel and Donnie have doubts too, since, after the funeral and the meeting, they like evaporated. The Doc, so obsessed about his eldest bro well-being stopped to call altogether. It wasn’t that Raph was complaining; he still disliked the guy. But he felt that, maybe, Leo was feeling lonely. After all, his boyfriend had no family left.

But Raph could be understanding, there were limits to: It shouldn’t affect their love and sex life. 

Leo was still living in the house he had bought with his wife. Raph hated it, but well, it wasn’t Leo’s fault if the house didn’t sell. It was to sale for three months and raised interest, but it was always too expensive and Leo refused to drop the price. Since his father’s death, Leo has a new reason to not move. If they bought a four rooms condo as Raph wanted, Leo would have no garage to park his collection car. To wash and wax the car was a new obsession for the Deputy Inspector. After that, Leo gazed at the car for about twenty minutes, lost in an inner world Raph had no access in.

Raph was very masculine in his tastes. He got the appealing a collection car could have. Damn, when he had shown it to Casey, his brother had almost get hard! Since it was from Leo’s father, he would never ask him to sell it. Anyway, they need no money. The house was paid, Leo has a pretty good income and a lot of saving and himself now was back full time at his firefighter job. But still, Raph wished to move elsewhere, in a smaller apartment where there would not have Hazel’s and Raph’s past errors shadow. 

The bedroom was the worse place. Raph has made a fuss about it. He wouldn’t sleep where Leo had banged his wife. The fireman had made it clear the very first time he had spent the night at Leo’s. There was also the memory of the time he had ransacked the room. So, Leo had bought new bedroom furniture for him to shut up. Raphael was kind of embarrassed about it, to be so silly jealous. It was also the reason that although he wasn’t officially living at Leo’s, he spends all his time there.

Because despite he knew his boyfriend loved him, Leo had proven to be a cheater, pretty good to hide his double life. 

Cherry lived there with them, too. Leo had accepted the Siamese cat and it wasn’t long that the little shit preferred Leo to him. Raph didn’t mind. It was normal they got along since their tempers were the same: a calm attitude most of the time, but they could slash you a hand if you rub them in the wrong way.

Besides, he liked to stare at his lover, stroking Cherry’s short fur, the pet on his lap while they were watching the television.

They had settled in a quiet routine. He and Leo didn’t have the same work schedule. Raph had to work 24 hours to have then three days off while Leo was working nine hours a day from Monday to Friday. When he was home alone, Raph was cleaning, cooking and baking, like he supposed Hazel did for Leo to not feel the difference too sharply. When he was working his 24 hours shift, he could help but be fidgety, wondering what Leo was doing even if he was very likely Leo was busy petting Cherry in front of the tv, after having warmed in the microwave the meal Raph left him. 

But Raph couldn’t help but be jealous since he was worried each day more since Leo’s father demise. Leo wasn’t the same, anymore.

They still kissed and have sex, but something in Leo’s touch had changed. There wasn’t the same passion as before burning in his caresses and Raph was concerned by the change. Even the smile of his lover was looking like plastered and his whole demeanor was stiffer. Of course, there was the mourning period, but now, it would make three months Leo’s father passed away and Leo was only getting colder according to Raph and he couldn’t help but wonder. Also, they didn’t have sex for five days, something very concerning when it was about the always horny Deputy Inspector.

What if Leo regretted his move? What if Leo wasn’t gay, to begin with? What is Leo didn’t love him, anymore?

“So this is the shit I keep thinking about!” he sighed loudly.

Mikey dragged on the joint before passing him back to Raph. In the background, Fallin’ from Alicia Keys was playing and just listening to it, Raph was feeling like curl up on a sofa and binge eat barbecue flavored chips. Mikey switched to another radio chain until he found something to cheer up the mood. He set up for one playing Without me, knowing Raph liked Eminem.   
Mikey was a precious buddy, Raph thought. He realized his friend was waiting to get the weed joint back and he handed it to him.

“Maybe you are just in a rut, dude,” Mikey said, releasing a puff. “No need to get worked up about this!”

“There only you, Mike, who understands me,” Raph said with a pout after having inhaled the smoke. “But Leo… damn, I miss how it was before.”

He wasn’t doing something forbidden. Leo had allowed him to smoke marijuana, at two conditions. Raph must not smell weed when he was back at home and wasn’t too stoned. The other one was he couldn’t do more than once a week. Raph has followed very exactly Leo’s conditions. He didn’t want to turn a wreck as he had been a few months ago and well, there were even weeks he didn’t smoke at all, but lately, he used the permission. 

Mikey was his perfect buddy to chill like that, chatting, smoking and listening to hip-hop. The blond man had been hired when he was on medical leave, past November. He was 24 years old and coming right from LA. After September and the firefighter’s loss in the tragedy, he had applied to get hired in NY. Raph found it pretty cool. But there was another thing he liked about Mikey: he was gay. 

It had been easy to find out about since Mikey didn’t make a mystery from it. He was telling about his one-night stands he had now, after a guy from Sacramento broke his heart. Raph liked this carefree attitude. Mikey was always cheerful and wasn’t a heavy pot smoker neither. Raph was sure Leo would approve of his friend. Also, that Mikey was gay made Raph happy because the Californian was a great listener he could talk with him about Leo and how great his boyfriend was. It wasn’t because he gave a shit about what people could think. But he knew Mike could appreciate what Raph means when he talked about how Leo had fucked him senseless all night long. 

But this was before, at the beginning of his come back to work. Now, Raph was mostly voicing his anxieties. When Leo was busy and Mikey and him on a day off, he often stopped by his friend’s apartment, to have a smoke or a beer and chat. Today, they just finished a long 24 hours shift. There had been a fire at the Dunkin Donut and they have worked all night and morning on it. Angel had let them go home 30 minutes earlier. Since he knew Leo would not be home, yet, Raph had decided to stop by Mikey's before heading home. Just a 40 minutes stop, the time to pour his anxious soul to Mikey.

“Admitting you are right and it’s only a rut,” Raph continued, without waiting for Mikey’s answer. “What I do with that? I mean, come on! We are together for like only a few months!”

“Well, your circumstances were pretty intense. It’s kind of normal your adrenaline dropped after the shit settled down. From what you tell me, your guy still has the hots for you.”

Raphael wondered what he could have said that makes Mikey think that. But what was sure was that he still was crazy in love with his jerk of a boyfriend.

“Why are you calling him a jerk?” Mikey teased and Raphael realized he had spoken aloud. “Nothing proves he is cheating on you, man, while you are at work.”

“But...The golf, really?”

Golf was a very new passion Leo had. He was less at risk to fuck up his mechanical arm than a martial art. Since the end of April, around the same time his father died, Leo was playing golf twice a week. Raph had tried to play. He wanted to share his lover’s new interest. But he had to admit: he hated it

“It’s fucking weird, I mean why all of sudden this passion about this old geezer's activity? It’s not like he needs to do sport. He did frigging daily jogging. “Raph muttered. “What if he used this excuse to cheat? I went there. Chicks were looking like his former one.”

“Dude, you are overthinking it. You told me about your sex life. He wouldn’t pound your ass so much if he wasn’t gay. Your man just looks like a guy who needs to keep active but by doing sport allowing him to ponder about his life. Maybe it’s a kind of mid-thirty crisis, you know?” Mikey waved another joint toward Raph. The black man nodded and Mikey lit it.

“Also, I know you don’t like to talk about it, but the guy misses an arm,” Mikey continued seriously. “It’s amazing he still manages to enjoy life, work, make you scream in pleasure and do sports. You should see this as an achievement and not like a reason to worry about him cheating on you, bro.”

“It’s been a while since I didn’t scream in pleasure,” Raph mumbled with longing. He pictured the last time they had sex. He didn’t get to see Leo’s face since his lover took him on all fours. Recently, it was the only position they did. Raph didn’t mind being the bottom 100% of the time, but how his lover was avoiding to stare at him rang alarm bells in his head. Was he acting the same with Hazel while he was cheating on her with Raphael?

“A while? It’s not even a week, man!” Mikey teased. “Shit happens and... “

Raph wasn’t listening anymore. Voicing his anguish has done the reversal effect he did usually. Maybe it was because he had smoked more weed than he did in a while. But his mind featured Leo removing the dark blue Golf polo he wore to trick Raph into thinking he was going to play. It was so easy to imagine it, Leo unveiling his perfect abs in front of a woman looking like his ex-wife. It was easy since the image followed him even when he was sleeping, awakening in the middle of the night in cold sweat.

In his mind, Leo was now untying his white pants, while spreading open woman’s tanned legs.

The image was so vivid, he felt an urge he didn’t have for a while. The one to get sucked into a fake sensation of safety, to not feel cold and empty and lonely.

Raph shook his head to get rid of the thought.

“...You just need to spice up your sex life, dude. What about a threesome?” Mikey suggested.

Raph got bristled at the idea.

“Not fucking way! What if he decides he prefers pussies for good?”

Mikey chucked.

“I never mentioned a girl, did I? I mean another guy.”

Raph frowned. He didn’t like the idea a bit.

“When your lover is well-know to be a player, was is not better to offer him occasion to bang another ass in front of you with your blessing, than having him chase them behind your back?” Mikey pointed out. “Besides, you get to have some fun, too. I used to do threesomes with my ex. There something very arousing about to see your partner getting pleasure from another point of view. And after that, he got pretty loving,” Mikey murmured with a dopey smile.

Raph was too much Mikey’s friends to argue about Mikey wasn’t with this guy anymore so it was maybe not a good idea. He decided to counter another aspect of it.

“Dunno, man. I’m not trusting anyone with my boyfriend. What if the guy falls for him?” Raph was deeply serious. For him Leo was so amazing and handsome, everyone could get a crush on him. This was another reason he was so worried. Raph knew he was good-looking himself. But Leo was another level of beautiful. When you add to the mix Leo’s social status, income and proper style, you fall into another league. Leo could have anyone, man or woman. He only has to drive his Porsche and people would follow him like ants follow the honey smell. “What if the guy is better than me? What if he manages to coax Leo to choose him over me?” Raph was on the verge of hysteria. “Forget it, man. I wouldn’t let any bitch climb into our bed.”

“It was a suggestion, dude,” Mikey snickered. “You seemed so upset. I thought it could get you out of the rut and calm your anguish about your man fidelity.”

“I know, buddy, I know.” Raph refused the joint handed to him. He had enough. “I’m just not thrusting a guy out of nowhere…” he trailed off with a dismissive hand.

“What about me?”

Raph stared, speechless. Was Mikey saying what he thought he had?

“I mean, I know he is your lover and you are my friend. I won’t stab you like that!” Mikey explained with conviction. “I’m a bottom, your boyfriend is a top and you, you can switch. This is the perfect combination for a steamy night!” he exclaimed, very eager and obviously turned on at the idea. 

Raph blinked twice and stretched his hand to take a swing of his Corona beer. After having gulped half of it, he rubbed the behind of his head in embarrassment.

“Where this idea came from,” he stammered weakly. “You smoked too much weed, you pothead.”

Mikey shrugged.

“You don’t need to decide whatever, yet. I told you. It was a suggestion. Just don’t wait I get into a serious relationship,” the blond man added with a wink.

Raph stood up and thanked Mikey for the weed and the beer before leaving. It was past 6 pm and Leo must be about to return from his golf game. He wanted to be there before Leo’s arrival. First, to take a shower and to start dinner. Secondly, to be sure to get his hands on Leo before the Deputy Inspector showered to be sure to smell any unknown perfume on his lover's body.

Jealousy was a bitch you didn’t get quickly rid of. Even less when you got deeply hurt by it in the past, Raph thought, straddling Betty.

Raph hoped to never have to get as low as to accept Mikey’s idea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> art by Neat Tea. Chapter and pic for Alessa and Oas1s for the Show your love event!

* * *

  
Leo arrived a little late, nothing biggy but still about twenty minutes later than usual. It was enough to set Raph’s nerve on the edge. 

Each Saturday Raph hadn’t the day off, Leo was playing at the Dyker Beach Golf Course until around 6 pm because if Raph finished working it was the hour he will be back. The Gold course was about twenty minutes from Leo’s place and Mikey’s apartment was about five minutes with Betty. Despite having stayed longer than usual at Mikey’s, he arrived first.

While he parked his bike, he had a moment of daydream. How strong he had wished to be there, recalling the few times he had stalked Leo to his home when he was still married. Now, the huge blue and yellow house was his, not Hazel anymore, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of anguish who was devouring him since Leo’s father died.

He unlocked the door, pushing it open and took a deep breath. It was good to be home after 24 hours at work and to smell the familiar scent. He made a beeline to the bathroom and washed his hands and teeth. He had no time for a shower and wanted to get rid of the weed smell before Leo’s arrival. Then, he went to the kitchen and turned on the oven to set the temperature to 425. 

From his pocket, he pulled out a bottle and poured two drops in each of his eyes to dime their redness. He wasn’t hiding smoking weed from time to time from Leo. His boyfriend knew and allowed it, but Raph knew it wasn’t something Leo approved fully and so, he tried his best to erase the evidence. No Deputy Inspector wanted a pothead as a lover.

He peeled off a sweet potato before cutting it in sticks. He put them on a tray and sprayed olive oil on them before sparkle cajun spice.

He pulled out the grounded beef he had made defrost in the fridge and started to form a patty with his hands. They would eat a hamburger on the barbecue today, since it was a very lovely summer evening. When the patties were done, Raph went to lit up the barbecue. It was 6:30 now, and Leo would be there in a few minutes. The oven was ready and after having waited a few minutes, he slid the fries tray into it.

He untwisted the cap from another Corona and took a red onion to slice it before putting the patties on the grill. He glanced at the time while pulling out from the fridge the Mozzarella Di Buffala Leo liked so much in his hamburger, some lettuce, and a tomato. 

Leo was late. 

He was done slicing the cheese and the tomato when he heard the door opening. He glanced at the oven clock again. 6:43. Despite the throbbing in his chest and the question racing in his mind, he tried to stay casual. Raph knew first hand Leo hated to be questioned. 

So, he didn’t run to greet his boyfriend and opened the oven to turn over the sweet potato fries instead. On purpose, he bent over at the exact moment he knew Leo would step in the kitchen, in an attempt to entice him with his bouncy ass.

“Hum, Raph that’s smell delicious!”Leo exclaimed with a slight slap on Raph’s butt and the black man’s face twisted with disappointment. Before Leo would have greedily grope it before having his way with him on the counter. It happened twice already the alarm rang off because what was in the oven had burnt. 

The familiar pain bites him at the memory but still, he greeted his lover with a hungry kiss. His lover had no unknown perfume on him but Leo replied with a very calm eagerness and Raph couldn’t take it anymore. He met his lover’s blue-gray gaze and tried to calm the fire in his question.

“What held you up?”

Noting moved in the quiet stare of his lover.

“There were more players today, so I have to wait for my turn. I also stopped by the gas station”

Raph stared with intensity at Leo’s face, studying it to get a glimpse of deceit on his lover’s features. He found none. What Leo said was very likely to be true.

“Dinner is about to be ready.” Raph’s eyes flickered to Leo’s lips and he licked his own, appreciating the taste of Leo’s kiss still lingering. “No time to shower. I didn’t have time neither so what about saving water and take one together after dinner,” he proposed with a salacious grin. 

“Okay.”

Leo’s answer had been spoken softly, but without any passion and Raph’s scowl grew. What was wrong with his lover lately? Out of the blue, Mikey’s suggestion popped into his mind. He drowned it away. If they were in a rut, there were plenty of other kinky solutions than having another guy in their bedroom.

Leo opened the fridge door and pulled out a Beck while Raph went to the bbq to put down the hamburger patties. How could he breach the issues he wondered, his back to Leo. He stayed there a few minutes, leaving Leo his space, staring at the BBQ. The buzzing sound from the over brought him back inside.

“I want to have sex today,” Raph blurted out when he pulled out the french fries tray. He suddenly realized Leo’s astonished gaze on him and Raph backpedaled, knowing that Hazel’s pressure to get bred had doomed her relationship with Leo. “I feel for one of your long, rough, fuck,” he exclaimed and he embraced his lover, nuzzling in the hollow of Leo’s neck. Dirty talk always made Leo motor running. “I love it when you make a begging mess from me."

But Leo's face closed and he put down his beer bottle. 

"I’m not feeling well. In fact, I'm not even hungry. Let’s go to bed, Cherry!"

Leo turned his back and bent over to pick up Cherry who was rubbing around the Deputy Inspector legs since his arrival. It wasn’t even a joke, Raphael thought. Cherry had got more loving from Leo in the past week than himself. He wasn’t as silly as to be jealous of a cat, but it was still disturbing. Leo was turning down a sex offer and wanted to go to bed at 7:pm. He was looking fine, until Raph brought up the sex topic. Red flags waved in his mind. Was Leo acting the same when he was cheating on Hazel?

But Raphael knew better than Leo’s ex-wife. She had lost her husband by overconfidence in Leo and herself. She had only tried to fight when it had been too late and she had done it too weakly. If Raph had won over her, even if she was prettier, it was because he had stood his ground. He wouldn’t be as dumb as to do the same mistakes as her. Even if Leo hated confrontation and to be cornered, Raph had no choice but to follow this path. He put down his bottle and stared seriously at his boyfriend.

“Nah, if you are not feeling well, I got a better health tip for you." He stretched both of his arms, crossing them behind Leo's neck. It's looked like a loving gesture, but the fact was he wanted to prevent Leo to leave. "What about you take this shower while I set the table, then you eat a little and after that, I make you a little comfy spot to lay down on the couch and I massage you? I bought this cheese tasting like water you like so much. It will be a pity you don’t eat it."

Raphael knew that to be the most submissive he could while still refusing to drop it was the most likely way to succeed. But he was too horny to keep this offer there.

"Then when you will be all relaxed, I can give you a great blow job. You will sleep like a baby afterward," Raph said with a seducing grin and excitement creep into him when he discovered the arousal shining in his lover's blue eyes. He had managed to flip Leo’s mood as a burger patty.

"What about right now?"

Cherry jumped down from Leo's arms and the policeman unzipped his white Bermudas shorts, pulling out his cock. 

Happy Leo took the bait, Raphael dropped on his knees for a blow job.

But despite Raph was sucking on it with eagerness from two or three minutes already, Leo's shaft stayed half-hard on his tongue. The firefighter refused to drop it and with stubbornness, sucked harder until Leo shoved him away.

Raph was about to protest when he saw his boyfriend bending over the sink to throw up. 

"Shit! You told the truth! You weren’t feeling well!" he exclaimed, fussing over Leo, patting the Deputy's Inspector back.

He had never seen his lover sick before and the sight upset him. Raph could have many flaws, but he was really caring. He was all ready to forget about his sexual needs to tuck Leo in bed.

But Leo batted his hand away.

"Don't touch me!" he growled. 

To be pushed away so fiercely froze Raph. His lover was looking at him with a mix of fear and disgust and he felt a cold pit in his stomach. 

Leo seemed to be sick of him. 

His heartache must have been obvious because Leo apologized.

"I'm sorry," he said, stroking Raph's braided hair. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I'm…" Leo struggled to explain himself and it was unusual. The policeman was an assertive person. "I think...I'm tired."

"From me?" Raph wanted to know. Even if it would hurt like a bitch, uncertainty was tenfold worse.

"No. Not from you, Raph." Leo smiled lovingly to him, but his gaze was sad. "I have…" Leo seemed about to spill his guts but he changed his mind at the last moment. "Maybe I should talk to Don."

Raph gasped. The two brothers were at odds. It could be a normal thing to want to see his brother, but Raph couldn’t help but find it a bad omen. Leo didn't even go to any scheduled appointment for his arm check-up for months. Why this sudden need? Was Leo really sick? Or...was it about Hazel about to give birth?

Two weeks earlier, they had received an invitation for Hazel's baby shower. Well, Leo had, since Raph’s name wasn't on the envelope. Leo had opened the envelope, briefly glanced at it and 'forgot' on the counter. But Raph had read the invitation. The shower was next weekend. Was Leo regretting his choice? It could have been Hazel and Donnie’s child, Leo had loved Hazel and he had a blood link with the baby, being the uncle. Ma had loved him as her son even if he was so not related to her that he was black. So to raise his brother’s baby as his own could have been not a problem for the policeman. It wasn’t like this white, average neighborhood would dare to badmouth the Deputy Inspector. If anything, they would find it more normal that Leo get back with his wife and have a baby who would look perhaps like him. It was likely they would be relieved the black man with dreadlock left. Raph was like a stain on a white, silk tablecloth and he knew it, despite Leo's denials. 

What if Leo changed his mind and wanted to be with Hazel, again?

The scent of smoke made him remember that he had forgotten the hamburger. He rushed outside, faking to be engrossed with the BBQ to not blow a gasket and have a fight with his boyfriend.

“One side would be a little burned, I guess,” he said, anxiety knotting his stomach, but still clinging to a fake front of normalness. ‘I can scrap what is too crispy, it’s still good. Are you sure you aren't hungry? Maybe eating a little...”

He turned to look at his lover. Leo was standing, expressionless in the kitchen but very pale.

"A few days ago, I bumped my head in my office. A stupid accident. Maybe I got a concussion."

Raph pondered over his lover's words. It could explain everything. He knew a lot about concussion. He got three of those in his teenage years by playing hockey with Casey. Leo's lack of sexual desire from the past few days and his need to see Donnie all of a sudden. But then, why Leo was playing golf, then? If he was feeling unwell, he would stay home!

He didn't point it out, his heart racing. He stared at the burned beef patties. Leo could feel dizzy and have nausea and headache but still, he got the energy to go to play golf. Something was fishy. 

"I aunt hungry, neither," he muttered bitterly. 

"I'm sorry, honey." Leo walked toward him and he embraced him very carefully like Raph was the sick one. "But tomorrow what about a special dinner to make up for this one?" Leo suggested. "I got all these expensive old wine bottles from my father…"

Raph mused over his boyfriend’s proposition. Leo indulged very few in alcohol but when he does, he was tenfold horny. Leo only spoke about dinner, but the Deputy Inspector was likely to give a sexy turn to the meal after some wineglasses.

But Leo's eyes were more pleading than lustful. 

The fear to be disappointed and turned down burned in Raph. All legacy from Leo's father was cursed. Raphael knew himself. So far, he had managed to keep himself in check and no blow a gasket and start a big fight. The weed must have left it mellow. But Raph knew he couldn't hold back his question forever. 

He needed help. On the radio, Original Prankster was playing. The last time he heard it was last week, at Mikey's. It’s reminded him of his blond friend.

"You got around sixty bottles, right? Can I invite my friend over? He is working with me and he told me once about a vineyard in California..."

Leo stared, surprised. Neither of them brought anyone over except for Raph's family. Raph

Raph continued to explain himself, very enthusiastic about his idea. Mikey was perceptive. After a dinner with them, maybe Mikey would be able to figure out what was wrong with them. Raph was still ambivalent about the whole threesome idea. He didn't like a bit the idea to share his lover's caresses. But he remembered Hazel's renting a cabin in a kinky resort. She had been ready to share his husband with a bunch of strangers to not lose him. Mikey was his best buddy, besides, now that he thought about it, he preferred to give himself opportunities to Leo than be cheated in his back. 

"He is gay, so we won't have to restrain ourselves. I told him everything about us."

Leo frowned and Raph got why. A man with Leo's public status wanted to keep his privacy. 

"I told him how handsome you were. He is looking forward to meeting ya," Raph explained. "He is a good buddy of mine…'

"This is with him you smoke marijuana?" It's wasn't a question, it was a statement and Raph wondered what had given him away. He had been extra cautious but he should know better than deceive a policeman. Besides, he wasn't tricking Leo. His boyfriend had told him he could smoke once a week. He had respected his part of the deal and so, he didn't hesitate to tell the truth.

"Yeah. He isn't a heavy smoker. I'm stopping at his place once a week, as you told me I could. We smoke while listening to music after our long shift."

Leo's face turned severe. 

"You know if you do more than that, it's over."

How he got threatened when he did nothing wrong and even told the truth rubbed Raph the wrong way. How Leo dared to mistrust him?

"I don't!" Raph snapped. "Just drop it! I won't do cocaine anymore! I smoke a fucking single time a week! I follow your rules and did everything I can to make you satisfied and happy!" he snarled. It was indeed true. He went out of his way to play housewife with Leo every single day, in the hope to get some love. "But what about you?" Raph had passed the breaking point after having been worried so much and have to hide it. "Don't wonder I spent time with my friend when you are so cold to me!"

"I wasn't speaking about cocaine." Leo's voice was low and threatening. How they could have passed from a nice Saturday evening with hamburgers to this fight, Raph has no idea. But he needed the confrontation or he would go crazy anyway, he decided, so he didn’t lower his gaze. "I mean about what you could do with this guy."

When Raph realized what Leo means, he snorted in derision. As if he would fuck Mikey. Did Leo was stupid? How could he think that? It wasn’t serious. The accusation was meant to hide his own misdeeds, perhaps. 

"Yeah, right!”Raph chuckled darkly. “Of course, you will accuse me of playing around like I was the one having a cheater history."

The blue eyes shined with anger. Touché, Raph sneered mentally. Leo hated to get his past errors rubbed in his face.

"Perhaps I was a cheating husband,” Leo hissed, “but I never been a slut, picking random drunkard."

Raph retorted before thinking.

"Maybe I should do that, to get some action, finally."

Leo turned livid but even if he was anxious, Raph kept his ground. Questioning Leo's virility was a good mean to actually go somewhere with this fight. At this point, an argument was better than this dreadful status quo they lived into for weeks. 

Leo spun him around in a jerky move and forcefully bend him over the table. Here we go. Raph didn't resist, neither when his pants were pulled down. He had provoked his lover to get this angry lovemaking that would allow his lover to vent off whatever was eating him inside lately. 

He felt an oily, lukewarm liquid poured on his ass and he understood Leo must have used the oil for the French fries, still on the counter as a lube. Without any further warning, Leo sank to his hilt and even if Raph was used to this kind of intrusion, he tensed in pain.

The sex was rough; very far from anything called love but it's didn't prevent Raph to love it and to be shocked when Leo pulled out before any of them could cum. 

"I don’t want to hurt you...I'm going at Usagi's," Leo said after having tucked his cock in his pants and Raph gasped at the outrage. Since when raw sex was an issue? Was Leo thinking he was a fucking girl? But it was not a joke; without even taking a shower or having dinner, Leo was leaving, with Raph still ass naked to got at his ex-lover house.

"Da fuck?" the fireman stammered. It was an unexpected bad twist. "You can't leave me like this!" he growled, motioning to his now flaccid cock.

"Why could you see your friends and not me?" Leo retorted without a look at him. The Deputy Inspector was walking toward the door with long strides but paused at the door. "Tell your friend to come over tomorrow. I want to meet him."

Even if it was spoken in a softer voice, there was no way to mistake it: it was an order. How Leo was acting all mighty like he was Raph's father wanting to know if he had bad frequentation among his friends bristled the firefighters. If Leo dared to lecture Mikey about weed-and knowing the Deputy Inspector he could- Raph wouldn't dare to show off his face at the fire station again. 

Raph was docile usually. He loved his boyfriend and didn’t like to pick up a fight out of nowhere. He was getting wiser with age and heartache. But to be bossed around after having to get cockblocked was too maddening. He had been so patient already. He had tried to behave, to be a boyfriend Leo could take pride in. He was working full time in addition to do the chores and the meal and didn’t spend time getting plastered at Dusty’s. His lover was Raph’s main priority, but it was like all his efforts were going down the drain.

"Fuck you, Leo," he cursed between his clenched teeth. “But don’t dare to leave this house!”

“What about you sleep at your place for tonight? I think we need some alone time. I will do tomorrow dinner.”

Leo’s voice was gentle, but Raphael felt it as a stab in the chest. With their jobs and Leo’s golf mania, they weren’t that much together. If Leo was going that far as being ready to do dinner, it was because he really needed a break from Raph and it was soul breaking.

At this unexpected blow, Raph’s anger deflated.

“I love you,” he blurted out. “I missed you. Please don’t go to your friend’s house.”

The hesitation was apparent on the policeman's features. The last time Raph had begged him to stay, Leo hadn’t listened and Raph had run to a drug dealer. The past was too fresh for Leo to brush it away and gamble Raph’s health. 

“Okay,” Leo yielded. “You give yourself the trouble to make me dinner and I will eat it.”

Leo walked back to him and before sitting at the table he kissed the firefighter. The kiss landed on his temple, but Raph had been so scared Leo left that he clung to it, circling Leo’s body with his muscular arms.

“I love you too,” Leo continued softly, giving in the hug. “I’m sorry. My job and...I’m not sleeping well lately.”

Leo wasn’t 100% convincing but Raph was all ready to forgive. He had seen it: Leo had puked and now that he had a good look on his boyfriend, Leo looked kind of miserable. Yes, he could forgive and he fussed over his boyfriend because it was easiest to do than acknowledge the weight on his heart. Raph’s instinctive side knew that Leo and he were really close to breaking apart and he had just postponed the final break up. He hoped that Mikey would get an idea about what was wrong with them and be able to advise him after having met with Leo. 

  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> art by Oasis. Chapter for Oasis.

* * *

The evening went, with nothing out from the usual. He and Leo still had a rented Dvd to watch, “A Knight Tale,” and Leo pet Cherry while watching the movie. Raph was half spread on Leo’s laps fighting with Cherry to get the most from Leo’s attention and get his hair stroked. Leo did, with an unmistakable tenderness, but also, a cautiousness. Leo gave less of himself in his touch, pouring less feeling and someone as emotional as Raph was well aware of the difference. 

The whole evening, Raph keep a big, plastered grin on his face, not too exaggerated for it to not look too fake, but he felt Leo wasn’t fooled by it. But the policeman didn’t question him, keeping their conversation on very safe matters like the stabbed girl having being found in a Queen’s dumpster earlier this week. Nothing that could lead to romance or turn someone on. Then, Leo had talked about this Emergency Management Professional Certification he had to get. It was mandatory for a Deputy Inspector in this post 9/11 era with still a terrorist threat, Leo’s boss had decided. Leo had explained that except for the prep course and the exam he could do it online, joking about his clumsiness with new technologies. Raph had nodded. What could he say? Even if he considers they don’t have that much free time together, it was job-related and he had to admit it was a relevant training. The exam was soon and even if he wasn't worried by that, Leo told him he needed "some alone time tomorrow to study seriously." Raph knew it was the truth but still, he couldn't help but feel an uneasiness in his guts. 

Twice Leo went to make himself a tea and so when it was time to go to bed, Leo’s statement about "not feeling like sleeping yet", was validated. It was apparent his lover wanted to be alone and, if possible, crawl into the bed when Raph was sleeping already to have a reason to not have sex.

They could be together for less than a year, Raph knew Leo after such a strong start in their a relationship. He saw through his scheme but didn’t dare to voice it. He refused to confront him just a few hours after their argument. Despite not wanting to leave, he was about to do so when Leo told him to “not stay awake for my sake; you must be tired, Raph.”

He had his foot on the first step on the stair when Leo’s strained voice reached him.

“Did you tell your friend about tomorrow?”

“Not yet,” Raph replied cautiously. He didn’t think Leo was serious about the invitation since they didn’t talk about it again. “I dunno, he is sleeping already, but if you are okay with it, I can send him a text right now and we will see his reply tomorrow.”

Leo nodded stiffly and Raphael went to bed, his mind racing with questions. From what he knew from his lover, he could guess Leo tried to please him by wanting to be introduced to his friend and trying to get along with him. Leo supposed Mikey’s friendship was important for Raphael and his boyfriend was right. Raph appreciated the effort, it shown Leo still cared for him, but it wasn’t enough to quiet his anxieties.

He knew that earlier, they had brushed the break-up.

Raph was still staring at the ceiling, genuinely miserable when he heard Leo’s step in the stairs. Quickly, he rolled on the side, to fake being asleep. 

Leo was careful to not awoke him and so, he didn’t quite snuggle. Anyway, usually, it was the other way around. Raph was coiling his bigger body against Leo’s, feeling the robotic arm circling him as a good luck charm. But Raph wasn’t daring to make a move when the things between them were so volatile. 

He heard Leo low sigh before turning his back to him and Raph felt his chest tightening. It was maddening. After all that the hell they went through before last Christmas, they always managed to resolve everything. Raph burst his feelings in the open, Leo and he had a talk or a fight and finished to settle the matter in hardcore makeup sex. Raphael always found a way to break down Leo’s walls. But this time, this tense gap between them, this silent misunderstanding, he had no idea how to overthrow it. 

Since when was he such a coward?

He wasn’t sure, but he felt a slight tremor and deeply upset, he realized his boyfriend was silently sobbing. How the composed Deputy Inspector could be reduced to tears, when he, Raph, was not even a foot far from him and very eager to comfort him? To cry wasn't Leo at all. Perhaps Leo was sleeping and having a nightmare, but it still shocked him. Something was wrong with Leo, definitively. Maybe he should encourage him to talk to Don, although Raph hated this asshole so much. What if Leo was truly depressed this time?

9/11 wasn’t even a year old and Leo paid a heavy tribute. 

He decided to make a move and he encircled his lover’s body, overwhelmed by a need to protect his boyfriend and also seek comfort for his own sake. Leo’s body was stiff in his arm, a sure sign the deputy inspector was awake.

“Love ya, bae,” he mumbled, taking a deep sniff in the black hair. Leo was a proud son of a bitch. It was a quality that Raph admired in him, usually, but he wished his boyfriend would be less prideful and rely on him more. Somewhere, in the night, despite his mind racing with questions, Raphael managed to fall asleep. 

When he woke up, Leo was already up and well, gone. Jogging for Leo was mandatory. Raph didn’t mind. When he woke up at the same time, he was thrilled to jog with him, but this morning Leo had been sneaky and Raph hadn’t felt him wake up. It was 6:10 and Raph could guess his lover was gone for about twenty-five minutes.

While cursing, he put on a t-shirt and his red sport-shorts. He knew where the fucker liked to jog usually. The situation had dragged long enough, he decided, tying his Adidas running shoes. Raph was done being upset without knowing what to do to fix whatever was wrong between them. He would confront his lover now. His lover needed to be pushed, forced and cornered? Raph would serve him right, if Leo wasn't willing to surrender to the gentle way. 

Leo loved to jog in the park and Raph ran as crazy in a straight line to be sure to catch Leo. It wasn’t jogging. It was a race against his own temper. If he didn’t see Leo now and managed to make him spill his guts, Raph would turn crazy. He knew so well his boyfriend’s routine, he went straight to the peristyle, where Leo was starting his Prospect Park jogging turn. Indeed, Leo was there, very easy to spot with his slender silhouette, his royal blue shirt, and his perfectly combed black hair. But Raph stopped dead on his track and the grin that bloomed on his lips twisted. Leo wasn’t jogging but having a break, his head leaning back, drinking the water from the bottle he squeezed with his robotic arm. Next to him was what looked, even at a distance, a very pretty young woman. She wore in a grey and blue jogging suit and a black-haired pony-tail. Their jogging suit and hair colors matched and Raph decided it was a bad omen, even more considering that the girl wasn’t stopping by Leo randomly. They were talking. 

After the first moment where he got a sucker punch in his guts from the scene, Raph decided he needed to trust his boyfriend. Leo wasn’t a newbie cheater. If this girl was his paramour, Leo wouldn’t meet her so close from their home, in daylight, knowing very well Raph could join him at any moment. 

He crossed the street, waving his hand and calling his lover, with a big, fake, plastered grin on his face to hide the anguish tightening his chest. He was aware he acted like a child and was very loud for the early hours, but not giving a damn, he continued. Leo looked at him with an unreadable expression and Raph had his second shock when he saw the girl. 

She had the more exquisite face he had never seen. Well, taking details of women wasn’t a habit of him, but this one was incredibly cute. She also had the appeal of mixed-blood, part Asian and part something else. It was hard to give her an age, but Raph would have bet she wasn’t 25 years old. A Husky dog was sitting at her foot, but Raph paid him no mind, too busy thinking that she was prettier than Hazel and so much younger.

“Hi, Raph,” Leo said in a neutral voice. “You could have overslept. Don’t feel forced to follow me.”

Did the asshole mean it as Raph was clingy? As if he would leave Leo alone when his lover was so depressed and ALSO a player. 

“Who is this cutie?” Raph blurted out. Anyway, he was staring and he knew he had an expressive face contrary to some other bastard he knew. Leo must guess Raph was jealous.

“Raphael, this is Nicky, my friend’s Usagi little sister. We met randomly. She was walking her dog. She is a nurse, working at the Maimonides Children's Hospital, next to the park.”

She gently stretched the hand not holding the leash and Raph took it with a few seconds delay, his jaws so tense, he thought he would break his teeth. Leo could call Usagi a friend; in Raph’s book, he was Leo’s ex. He never meets Usagi for the excellent reason he never asked to be introduced. Based on the little he knew about Leo's friend, Raph knew it was impossible they would get along. He preferred to be cautious, and to avoid any risk that he might punch his lover’s precious friend - or should he say his boyfriend’s first love? Even if he didn’t give a flying fuck about the first guy he had slept with himself, he couldn’t help but think that somewhere Leo still has feelings for his friend. This is why the night before Raph had so damn well insisted for Leo to not go at Usagi’s. Seeing how his sister was attractive didn’t soothe his concerns a bit.

“I know I don’t look similar to my older brother,” she said, misunderstanding Raph’s silent examen. “We don’t have the same father. Out mother remarried when Usa was fourteen. She fell in love with my father at a salsa dance evening. I was born one year later.”

“I was used to play with Nicky when she was a little girl. Usagi and I were watching over her at the playground. She was scared that a little boy pulls on her braid and well, let say Usagi had a brother complex,” he concluded with a chuckle.

It was such a beautiful sight to see Leo’s more relaxed demeanor, but a selfish part in Raph was annoyed it was somewhat because of Usagi or her. She was smiling fondly at Leo, her eyes shining like two black pearls and Raph supposed that she must have a crush on her older brother’s friend when she was a little girl. Did she know they had been a gay couple? Probably not. Leo had explained to him that before sleeping together, he and Usagi had been best friends for about four years. Then, they had slept together out of curiosity to see if that could work. They had been into a relationship for less than two years after that before returning back to friends. She was barely twelve years old when they had broken up and probably didn’t notice the change in their relationship, Leo being the sneaky motherfucker he was. But it was better late than never. She would know right fucking now that Leo was gay and also, taken. Because she was smiling too much at him and a cute, young nurse was a big red flag.

“Too bad, we won’t have any kids, bae,” Raph exclaimed with a pretended carefree attitude. “I bet you could have made an amazing father.”

Leo’s smile turned sour and Raph could tell his lover was pissed, but the girl didn’t react as Raph had supposed. He had guessed she would turn her back and walk away very quickly, far from their gayness. 

“I was so sad when you broke up with Usagi and I was mad at mom who said it was for the best because of this child issue. I know you get divorced and perhaps my brother will too. You should give him a call,” she said and Raph wished he never spoke. If anything, the news was troubling him much more than Leo and the doubt crept into Raph. The son of a bitch KNEW about it. “He had a hard time or what you could call a mid-life crisis.” she finished. 

“I certainly will, because your brother is my dearest friend,” Leo replied with emphasis for Raph’s benefit, but the fireman wasn’t fooled. First, dearest friend, my ass. Leo knew about Usagi about to get a divorce and he didn’t tell a single thing about it to Raph. Maybe he had been wrong and the golf was an excuse not to flirt with mid-aged professional women, but to hide his encounter with Usagi, the man Leo had been so madly in love with 10 years ago. They saluted each other and she resumed to walk her dog.

“What was that?” Leo hissed through his clenched teeth. “Why didn’t you put on a t-shirt with a big red arrow and the words “He’s my boyfriend.” It would have been more subtle! You had no reason to be that aggressive and anxious!"

“Why should I be ashamed to be your boyfriend?” Raph retorted as sharp. He didn't deny he had been anxious they were flirting. Leo knew him too well. “I’m not a closeted fag like you are!”

The punch came quickly.

“Stop it! You know I hate it when you use this word!” Leo roared, blues eyes gleaming as the edge of a knife.

Raphael touched his lips. It wasn’t burst because Leo used his real arm and didn’t swing it at full power. Riling up Leo was risky shit: the policeman could turn horny as hell or cold as fuck, but it was a risk Raphael was ready to take.

“Which word? Closeted?” he giggled. A punch was a an emotional response and he was ready to take any Leo could deliver. It was saner than this tense gap between them. 

He dodged the next strike and was actually having fun to see Leo flared up when he saw some people watching them from afar, their phone in hand. Raph had lived enough to know what was happening in their heads. They were white people, living a BCDG boring life, walking their dog because they have to have one and jogging because it was healthy. What they saw wasn’t a fight between lovers. Their imagination couldn’t run as wild as imagining a kinky, mixed-race gay couple in a park in the morning like any human being. What they saw was a black thug bullying a white, good-looking, tidy man with a prosthesis. 

Raph wasn’t scared of cops. First, he was doing nothing wrong, but he didn’t want his boyfriend, the deputy inspector, to explain what was going on and got his reputation tainted. The fact was for a man complaining Leo hid him, Raph was very serious about discretion when it was concerning Leo’s job. He was taking pride in his lover’s high rank and he understands that a man of Leonardo’s standing would look bad to have a black, male bitch doing his lunch boxes.

“Let’s jog,” Leo suggested after having followed his look and do some stretches.

Casually, they started to jog next to each other.

After a few minutes of silence, Leo broke it.

“You should stop doing that, Raph,” he explained in a firm but soft voice. “I’m not talking about calling me a fag, but about being jealous of whatever I could talk with. She is 23 years old and I see her as a little sister!”

This was something Raph could try to believe, but there was still the big bro issue.

“So, how it is to know your first love is available again?” he snarled.

Leo didn’t change the pace of his jogging but glared at him incredulously.

“Usagi isn’t divorced yet and I doubt he will, so give it a rest!”

“You knew it, right?” No, Raph wouldn’t give it a rest. “You never told me how he reacted when you told him you were divorcing your wife. Guess he took the idea from you!”

Leo barely slowed to take some water. It would be a scorching day if it was already feeling 80 outside so early in the morning, Raph thought irrelevantly.

“Usagi knows I’m with you. Besides, we tried to be in a relationship long ago and failed. So your jealousy isn’t funded.”

Whatever Leo was saying, it was like a confusing ramble, some lips service. Raph was building up anxieties for weeks. His boyfriend needed to do much more to calm him down. He knew a good part of his fear was irrational, but it didn’t prevent him from snickering.

“It is why you don’t want to bang my black ass anymore? You prefer the yellow one from your friend? You tasted it again a few weeks ago, right?” Leo turned his back with a huffing noise but Raphael spun him around. “Don’t dare turn your back to me, asshole, without replying!”

The anguish was so evident in Raph’s gaze that Leo bites back the petty remark he was about to make.

“I didn’t sleep with Usagi since he got married,” the Deputy inspector insisted. He sighed, probably realizing it wasn't enough to convince the fireman. “Let’s go back home. I need to study for my certification.” He locked eyes with his lover. “But seriously, your jealousy issues are getting old.”

“Getting old?” Raph snorted in derision. He knew he should shut up and making a scene in the park, where more and more people walked in wasn’t a great idea. Leonardo hated anything looking like scandal. “Understand my concerns: my boyfriend hid to me his ex was getting a divorce! Why not having told me if you didn’t plan to fuck him by the side?”

His face twisting in anger, Leo dug his metal finger into Raph’s arm. Now, they had crossed the line, again. Now Leo was mad, but with the bad kind of anger, the one who hurt Raph like frostbites.

“I didn’t tell you because each time I dare to talk about him, you are throwing a fit like a toddler jealous his sibling got a better surprise in a Happy Meal!” he snarled. “Excuse me to try to spare you to make up a catastrophe scenario! Besides, Usagi will work through this. Nicky is only worried, but I know better ! And if you have met Usagi you will be much less worried, but no, your jealousy prevents you from meeting with my only friend!” 

Leo’s voice was filled with bitterness and Raph backpedaled. He knew what Leo meant by sparing him. As he was haunted by the idea his boyfriend could cheat on him, his lover was afraid Raph turn to drugs again to comfort his anxieties. Leo was kind of right when he said he had done it for Raph's sake. And now, he felt like his boyfriend had been upset over the fact he couldn’t introduce him to Usagi. Perhaps, he should have done it. If Usagi was really the boring geezer he seemed to be, he would be less worried and also, he could show off how he was making Leo happy.

His mind paused, thinking of what he just told to himself. Was Leo happy? He wasn’t even sure. Actually, Leo looked like he had bitten into a lemon. But if Leo expressed better his feeling, Raph would be much more effective to make him happy.

He stretched his hand, brushing his lover’s hair before grabbing him for a quick kiss. They were in the open, but he felt they both needed it.

“Are you still feeling sick? Did you head hurt?” he asked softly.

“I’m fine,” Leo replied, his calm self again. He started to jog again, toward their home and Raph after having snatched his lover’s bottle-he had forgotten his in his rush-ran at his side.

“By the way, is Mikey still invited to eat tonight?” he asked while crossing the street.

Something switched in Leo’s features, but it had been so quick that Raph wasn’t sure about it. He agreed in a slow voice.

“What about inviting your buddy, too, then?” Raphael proposed.

Raph wanted to make up for his past mistake to have refused to meet with Usagi. Leo understood it and cast him a smile.

“It’s kind to you to offer, but I think it will be for another moment...Usagi isn’t looking for doing social lately.”

Raph didn’t argue about it. He had still offered to meet with the jerk.

“Take a shower while I’m making our breakfast. After, I will take mine, and call Mikey and go on errands to let you study in peace,” he said. He didn’t even try to suggest they could have sex. He would have to pour a little more alcohol than necessary. It was a cheap trick but one having prove its worth. Maybe Mikey could help him to put Leo in the mood. Well, he didn’t mean they could have a threesome. Having sex with his coworker was a weird idea and besides, to do it in Leo’s face was making him tenfold uneasy. “I’m sure it will be a fun evening,” Raph exclaimed. If he was enthusiastic, Leo would turn to be. Their mood and emotion were always matching, well, most of the time. 

“Yeah,” Leo agreed, his cold face refuting the word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to nominate your fave stories! Info here: https://affatmntfan.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

To learn to be a better cook had been mandatory by living with his boyfriend. The Deputy Inspector Hamato could be very competent in his field and be able to do some manual work on the yard, the fact was Leo sucked big time for whatever wasn’t microwaved with instruction or asked more to do than boil water. Raph had been used from a very young age to make his own food when his Ma was busy at work. Leo’s mother could have died when he was only twelve, his father had hired a nanny that made Leo lunch box for years before he leaves and earns money enough to eat at the restaurant. Leo had been a very spoiled, wealthy bastard and when he had got married, he had wanted to continue the lifestyle to get feed. Le had been married to Hazel too long to return at some barbecue chicken wings. Raphael, when he was with Chame never bothered to do something that wasn’t coming directly from a box or a can, neither when he lived alone. But Leo was another league eating homemade sushi, parmigiana chicken and lentil curry on a Tuesday. So, Raph had bought some recipe books. 

When he was on a few days in a row days off, he chose three for their evening meals and wrapped a new kind of sandwich every day into Leo’s lunchbox. But he was always doing the recipe ready in less than thirty minutes with less than six ingredients. Leo never complained about the meals, but today, Raph felt compelled to overdo himself. It was an important day; they would have a guest, Raph’s friend that Leo wanted to get introduced to. To be that much open-minded and understanding when Raph had been a bastard, too jealous to meet Usagi, Leo deserved a feast. Besides, Leo ate less lately and Raph had the impression he had lost some weight.

Thinking of his lover brought a pout on his fleshy lips. Leo didn’t get out of his “office” for the whole day, busy studying. Even if Raph knew his boyfriend had good reason to do so, it was still frustrating.

How maddening it was that Leo was at reach and he missed his lover as badly as when Leo was married. 

Leo had always been more greedy for sex than food, but Raph was now desperate enough that he was trying to win his lover by the stomach like a mid-aged woman. He had asked what Leo wanted to eat, but the answer of the Deputy Inspector had been elusive. He had so asked Mikey when he had invited him. Mikey seemed to be a gourmet, talking a lot about food. Since he was the guest, it was making sense Mikey chose. The other firefighter had proposed any kind of pasta and had told Raph to not make it biggy. But it was like Raph needed to be busy with something difficult to keep his mind far from his worries and the suggestion didn’t put him at ease. Before hanging up, he had made a last warning.

“Be sure to not reek of weed. Leo hates this. He is a cop, you know? And a very serious guy. So no smell, no pink eyes or anything, okay? Don’t talk about it either. He knows I’m smoking with ya, but that doesn’t mean he likes it. I don’t want to displease him.”

On the phone, Mikey sounded a little concerned.

“Is he your Mom? Should I put a necktie to make a good impression” he tried to joke, but it was obvious Mikey didn’t find it funny at all. “Dude, I know you’re in love and all, but it’s look like he controls you a little too much if you want my opinion.”

“I never asked for your damn opinion.” Raphael was incensed each time someone badmouthed his boyfriend. He already has enough on his plate with Casey. “Be glad he wants to meet you and that you get to be feed and swim in his pool. Don’t forget your swimming trunk because I’m sure as fuck I don’t want to see you ass-naked.”

What was great with talking with Mikey is that he never take offense of anything. It was like he get Raph in a way that the black man doesn’t have to explain or justify anything he could say or done on a spurt of emotion.

“We got into an argument earlier because I got jealous of a girl he met during his jog. And you know, with all that’s going on…” Raph trailed off. “I want him to have a nice evening.”

“Kay, kay, I got this,” Mikey backpedaled on the phone. “See you at six! I’m gonna bring some booze.”

After pumped iron in their gym basement, Raphael had spent a part of the day into errands and then cooking. He wasn’t as crazy as to bake something and so he had bought some Chiffon Lemon cake because it’s looked fancy and would make it for the simple menu he had finally chosen: Caesar salad and lasagna. He didn’t want Mikey to think he was Leo’s slave. It would be weird if he overdoes it. It was already a big giveaway of how desperate he was to please his boyfriend that he went in the cellar to get three bottles of red wine and one of sparkling wine.

He threw himself into the job of preparing the meal, to keep his imagination in leash. What was happening to Leo? Why they were drifting apart? Those were questions racing in his mind for days. Tonight, he would get an answer, but for now, he refused to think about it. It would make him distraught for nothing.

It was so hot and he regretted his choice to prepare something going into the oven. They had the air conditioning inside, but Raph had hoped that dining outside would better cheer his lover up. 

He was so caught up in the kitchen that when Leo put a hand on his shoulder, he was startled. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t help you out. I fell asleep.” Leo gave him an awkward smile. “Do you need help with anything?”

Raph felt his chest tightening, seeing Leo’s bed hair. Indeed, his lover had taken a nap. He didn’t mind sweating in the kitchen alone, but for Leo to take a nap was very unusual. Again, the idea his boyfriend was ill brushed him. What if Leo has cancer of something else and didn’t want to breach the news to him because he was afraid that Raph relapse and do drugs? Once again, he hated Leo’s secretive nature. The policeman had been able to lie and cheat to both Raph and his wife, so he could pretend to be okay when he has 6 months to live.

Anguish squeezed his insides, but suddenly the thought of Donnie pooped out of his mind. Raph could dislike the guy and the brothers could be at odd; he knew Don cared deeply for his brother. He was also a medic, so if there was something definitely wrong with Leo, Don was the one who could figure it out. He was as stubborn as Leo himself and wouldn’t drop it. Besides, Raph was sure the situation between them was saddening his lover. Raph knew what a sibling fight was, but both he and Casey always managed to get over it. It was easiest for them, being both outspoken people. But Leo and his brother weren’t made from the same clay as he and Casey. They didn’t even have a real sibling fight. Leo and Don didn’t argue, even if the eldest got the whole heirloom from the father. Indeed, Don didn’t have room to protest after having made a baby to Leo’s wife. Raph was sure Casey would have beaten the shit out of him if Raph had slept with his girlfriend April and he wouldn’t have protested. Maybe if Leo had reacted as normal people do and gave a hook on his bro’s jaws, it would be settled by now indeed of this weird silence from both ends. Raph promised to himself that next thing he would do tomorrow morning if Leo doesn’t open up would to give a call to his four-eyes bro.

But Leo was still in front of him, his gaze expressing something new that he couldn’t nail, but seemed similar to anxiety.

“I need no help.” Raph tried to smile back, even if what Leo was doing couldn’t be called a smile. “Go take a shower and relax. Mikey will be there in about an hour and I’m almost done there. He decided to get bold and circled his smaller lover’s waist. Feeling Leo tensing, he only kissed his brow. “I’m gonna call you when it’s ready.” 

They stayed a short moment embraced before Leo broke the silence.

“I love you, Raph,” he murmured.

The words so softly spoke was like a spell, making bloom Raph’s heart and getting more daring, he leaned to kiss the policeman.

Leo replied to the kiss but with restraint and he was the one who broke it, disengaging himself gently.

“What are we gonna eat?” the Deputy Inspector asked like it was the curiosity that took the better of him that he had to stop kissing and ask right away. 

“Caesar Salad with some garlic bread and lasagna,” Raph replied, trying that his voice didn’t show how hurt he was. “I also bought a lemon cake.”

“You sure are putting effort to receive your friend. Should I put on a necktie?”” 

The tone was so bitter, it took Raph aback. What did Leo mean? It was the same words Mikey used but from Leo, it wasn’t making any sense. Raph wasn’t doing it for Mikey a bit. If his boyfriend wasn’t there, Raph would have served hotdog and ask Mikey to bring his own booze. And he would never get the idea to buy a damn cake. He was still dumbfounded when he realized Leo was leaving the kitchen.

“It’s for ya, babe,” he stammered. Leo waved his hand in derision without even turning back to look at him.

“Whatever. I’m going to take a shower. Don’t worry, I will try to not ashaming you in front of your friend.”

“Fuck!” If the curse reached Leo’s ears, the policeman didn’t acknowledge it. Why Leo was acting like such a jerk? What was happening in this thick skull of him? Raph had never been worried about Leo ashaming him in front of Mikey. It was quite the opposite! 

But what he had learned in the past few months was that when Leo was getting short-tempered, it was wiser to left him space instead of cornering him. 

He decided to put the matter of his lover weird comment on the back burner. The whole point of this evening was that the Deputy Inspector was acting oddly. Raph was confident that a tasty meal with some fine wine and Mikey’s cheerful character was supposed to bring a breeze of fresh air and good vibes. 

When he went upstairs to change his T-shirt, Leo was nowhere to be sent, but he could hear a typing noise coming from Leo’s office. He stayed there, listening, kind of comforted by the fact that Leo was his usual workaholic self at least. It must be for this reason that his ex-wife bought so much Leo’s lies about being busy with his job. Raphael continued daydreaming while pulling out the drawer a white t-shirt, because Leo told him many time the white color was enhancing his body. He was standing in front of the window, gazing at the sidewalk above. His mind recalling him when he was used to stalking his lover. Now, he was living there, Hazel was out of the picture and still...were they happy? He could tell Leo wasn’t and remorse bite Raph out off guard. If he didn’t chase down and try to seduce Leo so much perhaps the Deputy Inspector would lead a normal life, with his cute wife baking pies and ornate the house with flower arrangements. Hazel would have been the one preparing dinner, a much fancier one and she would have dressed the table as you see in the movie and lite some scented candles. They would receive Usagi and his wife and Leo would be much happier. 

A slamming car door kicked him out of his thought. Mikey was there, with a twelve beer pack, and now, it was too late. Even if Raph regretted his invitation, his friend was there. He put on his t-shirt and Raph knocked politely on Leo’s office door. He had a mental image of a secretary tapping at the CEO office’s. How was he at the point of walking on eggshell each time he had to speak to his damn boyfriend?

“Mike is there,” he said. “You can join us when you are ready.”

He didn’t have the time to take a step back that the door slammed open and he gasped in surprise. 

“I’m coming right away!” Leo exclaimed. Then, something changed on his features when he took details of Raphael. Although it was apparent he was holding back something, his lover’s eyes gleamed in the same way they did when Leo was furious. 

“Why are you wearing a white shirt? We could see your nipples through it!”

Raph stared for a moment before he realized Leo was serious.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He was flabbergasted by his boyfriend’s remark but in a bad way. Downstairs, the bell door rang. They have no time to argue and anyway, Raph was done. He had already acted like a submissive bitch the whole day. This was taking the damn fucking cake! “I ain’t your teen daughter!”

“You’re mine,” Leo hissed, digging his robotic fingers into Raph’s bicep. Usually, this kind of statement pleased Raph a damn lot, but not now. He had put on this damn shirt for this bastard because Leo had said the color suited him! But Leo was acting edgy for weeks having worse mood swings than a PMS girl and it was maddening. All the built-up anxiety was taking the best of the fireman. Raph slapped Leo’s artificial hand to get free.

“If I’m yours, it’s about time you do something about it! The last few days, I feel like we were damn roommates!” Raphael snarled. “You don’t like this t-shirt?” Shaking with rage, Raph pulled it off before throwing it to his lover’s face. “I won’t wear any, then!”

He stormed off of the bedroom and ran down the stair to open to Mikey, who was mashing the doorbell like he wanted to drive Raph crazier. 

“I’m coming, I’m coming, shit!” he yelled. 

With a jerky move, he opened the door, probably looking out of his mind, but Mikey just smirked.

“Did I interrupt something?” Mikey asked teasingly, ogling Raph’s bare chest.

“As if!” Raph snapped, upset. Then, he tried to calm himself down. Leo was upstairs and would be mad as fuck if he heard Raph complaining to Mikey about their sex life. Raphael could be angry himself, he was more hurt and confused than anything. He ran a hand on his face. “I was about to change of t-shirt cause I sweated the whole damn day for ya!”

“Is it your friend, Raph?” 

The question was dumb, but the tone was too sharp for Raph to dare to mock Leo. He could see Mikey raising an eyebrow and to not look like a complete sissy with his boyfriend in front of a coworker, he turned to Leo, acting casual and even, carefree.

“Yes, It’s my friend Michael from the station,” he said, throwing an arm over the blond man’s shoulder in a friendly gesture to invite him to step in. “And you, this is my...boyfriend, Leo.”

Leo was standing in the middle of the staircase, even more groomed than usual with his perfectly combed, shiny black hair and wearing a nice black short-sleeve polo that Raph had never seen. There was something else about him that was different, but Raph couldn’t tell what. But the policeman was pale and solemn and giving off dramatic Scarlett O’Hara vibes very uncalled for. 

But Leo walked the distance and stretched his hand, the natural one. But the demeanor wasn’t natural. Leo was stiff and Raph mentally pictured an aristocrat having to deal with plebeians because his carriage broke. 

“I’m Leonardo,” he introduced himself. “Nice to meet you, Michael.”

Raph couldn’t deny Leo was talking politely, but there was an unnecessary iciness perceptible on the edges.

“Call me Mike,” Mikey exclaimed, shaking eagerly Leo’s hand. “I’m excited to meet Raph’s famous boyfriend that he keeps raving about.” 

Raph watched them from the side and the difference between his friend and Leo hit him. Both were about the same height, Mikey was taller by an inch, maybe. They had two well-built body, but his lover was much slender, probably because he wasn’t doing a physical job as them. They have both blues eyes, but Mikey has the vivid teal color of the Tropical sea when Leo’s hue was more gray, even more when he was angry, like right now. Mikey has wavy blond hair long to his shoulders and sunkissed skin and those warm colors were enhanced by his very bright orange surfer t-shirt. It fitted Mikey’s loud nature. On the opposite, Leo has a fair complexion and the black of his hair and shirt was making it even more apparent. But the most significant difference was their composure. Mikey was chill and relaxed when Leo’s old-fashioned manner showed how uneasy he was. 

“Let me get that in the fridge for ya,” Raph said taking the beers pack from Mikey’s hands. “Come in, I will show you around.”

Raph knew they had a pretty house. Well, It was more Leo’s than his but he had worked a lot in the backyard and installed a deck all by himself in the last six weeks and he was very proud of it. 

In the whole house, Raph had tried to left his mark in order to erase Leo’s ex. Only the bedroom has a complete makeover. In the rest of the house, he painted the walls a different color and changed the curtains and a few new pieces of furniture here and there to make it look more masculine. The only place he didn’t change was the kitchen and the dining room because Leo had declared he “liked it like that.” Go figures Leo would decide the kitchen the place was out of limit when he didn’t even cook, but Raph hadn’t insisted since he could admit the kitchen was conveniently organized. But he barely could swallow his curse when Mikey exclaimed:

“Wow, this kitchen is amazing! Who is the Marta Steward of the couple,” he chuckled, and with a hint of worry, Raph glanced at Leo, but his boyfriend was unexpressive. “I love these wood floating shelves. I saw some like those in a magazine! “And this too…” Mikey said, seizing a pasta canister. “It is you, Leo who has such a great taste for niceties and trendy stuff? It’s such a lovely kitchen.”

“Are you done with your buttering up about the damn kitchen?” Raphael snapped and he pulled him by the arm. “Let’s go outside.”

“My ex-wife had chosen them.” Leo’s voice was flat. “Decoration isn’t my field of expertise.”

“Yeah,” Raph agreed. He couldn’t deny Hazel was the one who made the kitchen “lovely”, but he refused to let the conversation linger on this. He slapped Mikey’s back of the head. “Leo is a fucking hero and a man of action.”

A man of action but not in the bedroom, anymore, a voice in his mind whispered to Raphael. He realized he had still the beet in his hand and he decided that he needed one now to lower the uneasiness he felt while Mikey joked about Raph didn’t have to insist he knew Leo was the top. 

“Want some, Leo?” he asked after offering one to Mikey. Raph wondered if Leo was still angry because of this t-shirt incident. He looked like he was and the whole point of this dinner is too have Leo drunk and relaxed. So he used his softest tone and his more inviting smile. “I put a Prosecco in the fridge in case you wanted some. I can pour you a glass.”

“Prosecco?” Mikey giggled. “Damn, Raph you are now a true connoisseur. I bet no one at the station would believe me if I told them.”

“Shut the fuck up, dickhead!” Raph was trying very hard to not use a too coarse language when Leo was there, except when he was thoughtfully mad, but with Mikey around, it was like with Casey; his control slipped. “Or I will kick yer sorry ass out of there and ya won’t have to try our nice pool.”

“Indeed, it’s so hot,” Mikey said. “I think I will do like you.” Raising his arms, Mikey removed his t-shirt. “Hey, it makes me remember. I didn’t tell you I got nipple pierced, right?”

Proudly, Mikey showed off his pecs. The left one has a silver barbell, similar to the one Mikey already had in the navel. “It’s hurt like a bitch, but look as cute it is! You should get yourself one. It would turn very sensitive when your lover will play with it.”

Erotic images flooded Raph’s mind and his longing for Leo deepened. He was so touch starved. 

“Leo and I aren’t into piercing,” he managed to reply, his voice hoarse. “But we got a tattoo. They are very special for us.” 

Raphael turned to Leo, hoping his lover would suddenly tell aloud how those tattoos were meaningful for them and how much he cherished them and Raph. but Leo was staring in the void, like he didn’t even listen, a bottle of beer in his hand.

To change the atmosphere and pretend it wasn’t awkward, Raph dragged Mikey on the deck.

“Wow, the water is so blue,” Mikey exclaimed, waving his hand in the pool water.

“Leo cleans the pool twice a day,” Raph explained eagerly. “The morning, when he comes back from his jogging, just before going to work and when he comes back. He is a very hard worker!”

Mikey smirked.

“Hard-worker or neat freak?” he asked teasingly. “You told me he was washing and waxing this Porsche like crazy.”

Leo was there, standing at three feet of them, the beer bottle almost empty in his both hand. He glanced up, his steel gaze flashing.

“You know I have an ex-wife, you know I’m used to waxing my Porsche and you know I’m the top. If there actually something Raph didn’t tell you?” he wanted to know and Raph got a terrible feeling. He told EVERYTHING to Mikey. Were friends not there for this purpose?

“Dunno.” Mikey took a swing of his bottle. Then he put it down on the patio table before pulling another from the pack. The motherfucker was taking his sweet time. It was making Raph’s heart race faster and probably got Leo angrier. “He talks about you a lot. Like all the time, dude. He has not enough of our worked hours for that. He even came at my home to whine every day he didn’t get his ass fucked.” At this, Raph choked on his beer and got into a coughing fit. Mikey tapped his back in a soothing way. “You should give the poor guy some. It’s not that I don’t enjoy his company. But smoking weed is more relaxing when you don’t have to play agony aunt.”

“I see. Sorry for the inconvenience,” Leo spat coldly and Raph could feel his boyfriend burning holes into him. A deep urge to punch Mikey took him and he guessed his boyfriend feel the same about himself.

“Nah, it’s okay, man. Raph is my best buddy. It’s just kind of painful to see such a handsome man sad and blue balled.”

“I’m fucking fine,” Raph shouted. He knew by how upset and overacting he was about to be, it was clear he wasn’t. Leo wouldn’t be fooled a bit and knew he had told Mikey everything happening in the bedroom. Leo hated indiscretion. “Mind yer own fucking business, Mike or I swear I will pummel you so bad, yer mommy won’t recognize you.” 

“You should put some music, bro. To lite up the mood.” It was indeed a nice idea and Raph put on the radio instead of a cd. Leo and Mikey had too much different tastes.

“I’m gonna put the lasagna in the oven. Wanna the salad now?” Raph was sure as fuck not having dinner in the dining room with a view on Hazel’s kitchen. 

“I’m gonna take dive in the pool. Give me five minutes,” Mikey replied. “Bring me back a towel, I forgot mine.”

In the kitchen, Raph hurried. He didn’t want to left Leo alone with Mikey too much. Who knows what this moron could tell his lover? He turned out the oven, snatched a towel for Mikey and poured a full glass of Prosecco for his boyfriend. If he was charming and docile, maybe Leo would tone down his retaliation later when Mikey leaves. 

When he came back, Leo was sitting alone at the table, stiff and with a very closed expression. Mikey was in the pool and Raph felt like facepalming in embarrassment. Mikey must have put on his swimming trunk in front of Leo.

“Here, Leo.” Raph handed him the glass. “I’m gonna bring ya yer salad. Do you want garlic bread with?”

Leo took a sip of his wine and was about to answer when Mikey called him.

“Leo, dude, chill out. You need to loosen a little. Remove your t-shirt too. It’s so hot! Raph told me so much about how ripped your chest was, I need to see it. It’s the gay in me speaking.”

Leo turned livid and Raph knew why. His lover didn’t mind his fake arm too much, but there was no way he removes his shirt. Leo always carefully chose a shirt and polo with sleeve hiding the joint attaching his body to the prothesis. So even if it was still 97 outside, there was no way Leo undress or swim. Again, Raph regretted having invited Mikey. He should have dinner wine Leo alone. 

“I rather not.”

“Leave Leo alone, Mike!” Raph growled.

“I’m just telling him he looks hot!” Mikey protested. “By the way, Raph told me you are like 36-37? You still look pretty good. I’m impressed by how black your hair are. Do you dye them?”

It’s struck then Raph. It was why his lover looked different. Leo has some gray hair at the temple, but not today. Leo didn’t take a nap earlier. He lied in Raph’s face and dye his hair. But for what for? That’s his lover dyed his hair didn’t seem biggy but Raph couldn’t help but wonder why. Since he knew Leo, his lover never did such a thing. Why now when they were falling apart Leo was taking over care from his appearance?

“He didn’t,” he lied to Mikey taking a swing of his bottle. “Stop detailing him already! He is taken.” 

Mikey got out of the pool and snatched the green towel, wiping his hair. Water droplets ran down his well-built body that he seemed to put on display. Mikey was young, about the age of Usagi’s little sister and he was very good-looking. Besides, Mikey was white and blond and didn’t curse. He could smoke weed, he never did hard drugs and loved to do shitty yoga like Leo. People wouldn’t call the police if they saw them argue in a park. Overall, Mikey wasn’t looking like a thug like himself and the thought brushed him that Mikey would fit better in the blue and yellow house than himself. But he shook his head. Mikey wasn’t interested in Leo and would never backstab him like that. If someone knew about how deeply Raph loved his boyfriend, it was Mikey. 

“Your jealousy issues are certainly something.” Mikey joked and he took a second beer, twisting the cap. “You have to know Leo, that Raph talks about you like a womanizer to the point I was wondering if you were even gay. I mean, I guess you could be bi, but look like you are leaning more over the other team.”

“My sexual orientation is nothing of your concern.” Leo’s tone was clipped and Raph couldn’t call Leo off for that. Mikey was unbelievably rude. Raph guessed his friend didn’t mean anything bad from his questions and comment, but he was rubbing the policeman in the wrong way. “Raph, maybe you should go check on the oven. I bet the temperature is right now and your friend must be hungry.”

Raph dashed to the kitchen. He wasn’t eager to leave them alone, but he wanted to have this dinner over already. He set up the timer for 45 minutes. Maybe after dinner, if the atmosphere was still awkward and chilly, Mikey would leave. Or maybe Leo would turn mellow with wine. He grabbed two bowls and filled them with salad. He went on the deck, putting the bowl in front of them, before going batch fetch his own plus the Prosecco bottle.

“I have this merlot ya like to go with the lasagna,” he explained, pouring the sparkling wine again in Leo’s glass. “Now, let’s talk about work!” Raph couldn’t believe his own words. He continued, not minding Mikey’s whine of protest. If he does the talking, maybe it would be fine. “Mikey had joined my station last November. I was in medical leave at the time…”

Raph rambled about work and his first encounter with Mikey then, pretty quickly because there was nothing much to say about it, he talked about 911 and how he met Leo.

It was going fine, even if Raph felt tense and was as drained as he was running a damn marathon. It had been about twenty minutes. Mikey had finished his salad and now was talking that he was going to a rave, after that. Thankfully, he didn’t mention any drugs and Raph was glad the conversation was going in a harmless way.

Leo had eaten about half of his salad and took two sips of his wine. Raph interrupted himself to pour some more, but Leo put his hand on his glass.

“I don’t want any,” Leo said and he put away the glass “I will perhaps wait for the lasagna to have a glass of red. It would be enough. Besides, Prosecco and Merlot don’t mix well.” The comment made Raph think of the blond and black-haired men. They didn't fit together. It had been silly to think they could. But, all of a sudden, Leo tug on Raph’s arm to steal a kiss. It wasn’t a mere kiss. It was a savage, fierce one like they didn’t share in a while and he got hard in two seconds flat when Leo pulled on his hair. When Leo broke it Raph was dazed and breathless to the point he dropped in the chair next to his boyfriend. He was half-aware he had on his face the same dopey grin that cartoons had when a sexy girl kissed them. Was wine reaching Leo already? 

“Damn, that was pretty hot,” Mikey commented. “Can I taste it?” Mikey pointed the wine bottle. “I didn’t have so fancy wine in a while and sparkling wine must be drunk very quickly.”

Still on the ninth cloud, Raph rase up to go back in the kitchen for a glass telling he would go check on the lasagna and bring back this Merlot, but Mikey took Leo’s one.

“I can use this one, don’t sweat it! Anyway, we would all swap spit later.”

An alarm bell rang into Raph’s head. Did Mikey mean what he thought he means? Why this fucker was bringing this shit up when Leo was looking better and just have kissed him?

“What do you mean,” Leo asked very straightforward.

“Don’t you know? Are we not gonna have a threesome?” Mikey wondered and Leo gaped, while Raph’s brain went in a frenzy. At this point, it was too late to punch Mikey. Anyway, it was very likely Leo does at some point. “Raph and I talked about it and since you were in a rut had suggested it. You know to spice it up,” Mikey explained like it was okay to tell that so soon in the evening, they weren’t at the main course, yet. “I believed he invited me for that and thought he wanted to get you drunk to loosened a bit and put you in the mood since you were all stuck-up.”

But oddly, Leo didn’t punch Mikey. He leaned his upper body over the table, as he wanted to tell a secret.

“I invited you.” Leo’s voice was sharp but calm. It wasn’t quite true, but Raph decided it didn’t matter. Leo could tell whatever he wants to make Mikey shut up and at this point, Raph didn’t care Leo showed off about he was the alpha in their house if that means Leo would forgive him to have tell about so many of their intimate life to Mikey. “And I don’t share, for your information. I will take this red wine, now, Raph,” Leo said in a soft voice but without looking at him. Raph wasn’t fooled by this quiet demeanor from his lover. He knew him too well. Leo would make him paid for this.

“I never said I agree to this!” Raph suddenly shouted, standing upright. “I never said we were in a rut either. Mikey made it up because he is a kinky bastard!” He turned to Mikey, his golden eyes blazing. “And you, one more word and you will drink this wine and eat the food with a fucking straw!”

“Okay, okay, my bad!” Mikey said raising his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. It’s a misunderstanding. Raph is hot, you are hot and he said you were pretty wild in bed. So my lonely ass kind of hoped to get some.”

Raph guessed this was making it look better and if Leo knew Raph praised him, his boyfriend would be less angry. Mikey just confessed it: he was the horny one making up scenario. 

“I admit it’s must be kind fascinating to see you going at this. You seem...kinda cold. I guess the gap between these opposite is what hooked Raph.”

“Who’s care! Ya won’t gotta see him like that. Don’t dare to lay a hand on my man while I’m gonna get this wine, you little horny shit,” Raph tried to joke.

“I can do you if it’s why you came.” Leo’s voice was very calm. He took a bite of his salad like he didn’t drop such a bomb and Raph’s inside twitched. So Leo was eager to tap another ass. He knew it; Leo was tired of him and he was so shocked that he couldn’t move or talk. That he didn’t punch anybody, yell or flip the table was a testimony how stunned he was. “But if I do, you won’t be able to dance at this rave, let along walk out of here.”

“It is a threat or a promise,” Mikey chuckled, but something in his voice lacked sincerity. “Okay, I will get my mind out of the gutter,” he said, gulping the glass in one gulp. “Damn, it’s too sweet.”

“Yes, this is why I don’t usually take more than a glass.” Leo was talking casually as it was about the weather and he didn’t offer to fuck the shit out of Mikey. “It’s waste to open a sparkly wine bottle for one person. I recoomend you to try the Merlot. It comes from my father's cellar. The Porsche is from my father too. He was a man with a lot of hobbies. He ran his own physiotherapy clinic and got some very famous clients. He also had his own karate school and managing our family’s sake brewing business. I know it’s doesn’t look like that but I’m 12,5% Japanese 12,5% German and 25% Italian. I’m an axis forces mix.”

It was the kind of bad jokes Leo tried to do sometimes. But what was upsetting Raph was he never heard off the German blood neither the sake brewing business. 

“I never heard of that. Who is taking care of the business, now?” Raph asked now more curious than anything. Perhaps the sex offer was another bad joke.

“Donatello is. I thought the share was unfair and I gave the whole business to him.”

Raph was about to ask why he never heard of it, but Mikey beats him.

“Is he the bro who make a baby to your wife?” Mikey asked. Raph could understand Mikey was surprised about how Leo was cool with his brother sleeping with his wife. “You seem much more willing to share than you said!” he exclaimed with a wink.

“I’m going to the restroom. Sit down, Raph. I’m going to bring back the wine and two glasses myself.”

At the moment Leo left, Raph snapped his head toward Mikey.

“You prick! Did ya have to tell Leo all I said to you!” He leaned over to poke on Mikey’s chest. “You know I refused the threesome. Now, Leo would have a wrong idea and think I wanted to have sex with ya!”

Mikey shook his head.

“Whatever man, but... it’s should not be your first concern, right now.”

“What do you mean?” Raph barked. “I knew he would throw me a fit of anger when you left all because you couldn’t stop saying bullshit! What was that bro! I thought we were friends! I told you I only wanted my boyfriend to have a nice evening and I tough he could be nice for us, too.”

Raph was genuinely upset. His friendship with Mikey was something he valued. 

“I think Leo isn’t gay.” Mikey’s comment was firm. “I think he loves anal sex and be kind of forceful while he is doing it. But he can have that with any girl into BDSM.”

Raph stared a moment, speechless and took a new beer bottle. His heart was racing like crazy but he tried to look unbothered.

“Here ya’ go again talking shit. Why are ya’ so sure of yourself?” 

“He doesn’t look at me. I mean yeah, he did eyes contact, but he... wasn’t interested in my body”

Raph snorted in derision. Damn, Mikey had worried the shit out of him for a moment, there.

“Ya’ got a pretty good opinion of yourself, right?” Raph snickered and regretted they couldn’t smoke. It would relieve some of the lingering stress. But there no way in the world Leo would allow it. “Maybe he has a black hair fetish. His ex-boyfriend was Japanese. Besides, ya’ saw how he kissed me? A straight guy won’t do that! I can't believe ya' such a little horny bitch that you tried to seduce my man.”

They chatted a moment and Raph glanced at his watch. Damn, it was 7:20 and the oven alarm must ring for a good five minutes.

“What Leo is doing?” 

“Maybe he is shaving down there,” Mikey suggested.

“Shut up.”

It was more likely his boyfriend was waiting inside and wanted to talk in private. Raph really hoped it wasn’t about the threesome. 

In the kitchen, the over was buzzing and Raph pulled out the lasagna. The cheese would be a little crispy but it wouldn’t be too bad. Leo was nowhere to be seen and worried, Raph went upstairs. 

Leo wasn’t in the restroom next to their bedroom and after having run the stair up and down, while calling his lover’s name he stormed in the garage. 

The Porsche was gone. Leo was gone. His boyfriend had left without a word, with his fancy car, his classy clothes and dyed hair. 

Panic blinded him and he ran to the backyard.

“This motherfucker has left!” He knew he was shaking Mikey too much but he couldn’t calm down. “He left!”

“Maybe he went to buy some beers or chips?” Mikey offered.

Raph stared as Mikey like he was the last moron on Earth. 

“With his damn collection car? He only used like twice to go at his damn Golf club!”

“Maybe he vents there? Maybe he was bored with us and left to chill with older buddies and didn’t want to spoil our mood? He has a cell, right? Call him.”

It was making no sense but Raph clang to this hope. Maybe Leo was pissed. He had all the right to be. He decided to vent by hitting a ball.

Of course, Leo’s phone was turned off and so, Raph decided to call the Gold club.

“Do you have this evening a player called Leonardo Hamato? I need to talk to him. It’s an emergency,” Raph urged over the phone. “Six foot tall, raven hair and blue-gray eyes.” He was frantic like a Mom describing his missing children and indeed, he feel like the most important part of himself flown away.

“I know, Mr.Hamato.” Of course, she does, she was a woman and must have hit on him, Raph thought bitterly. “But Mr. Hamato didn’t play at our club for weeks.”

Everything froze and in a robotic voice, Raph said Leo played just frigging yesterday.

“Maybe he changed of club,” the lady proposed. “But his last visit here was about a month ago.”

Raph hung up and his eyes landed on the golf bag Mikey was holding.

“Seem he went elsewhere.”

At the moment the house phone rang and Raph threw himself at it. It was either Leo or this dumb gold club employee. But the caller idea wasn’t one he knew.

“Leo?” a female voice asked. “I know you told me to never call you home but your phone is turned off and you seemed so flustered on the phone ten minutes ago...”

“Who the fuck are you?” Raph roared when he was enough out of the shock to speak. 

“Nevermind,” she said hanging up.

Raph felt as crushed as he had got a cannonball in the chest. All his fears and worries were validated. Leo was cheating on him, because Mikey was right. Leo could have been bi-curious, he preferred women.

Mikey tried to talk to him, to cheer him up and then, to comfort him, but Raph stayed prostrated a while. They didn’t eat but they gulped down the damn scumbag wine. On the fridge, he saw the note, but it was too late.

 _“Don’t wait for me.”_ was all that the fucker said, but what good it would have made if he added he was sleeping elsewhere. 

“What I’m gonna do, Mike? I love him. Should I do my bags? Should I leave?”

“It’s past ten,” Mikey said, patting his back. “What about we are going at this rave together? It’s starts at midnight and about forty minutes from here. Let have a night of fun. Tomorrow, you will set it up with Leo. I bring this.” He showed Raph two joints. Mikey had disobeyed him but Raph was far too upset to lecture him. “Just in case. We smoke them to relax you a little and then, we go. What do you think?”

Raph knew raves. He met Chame there years ago. He knew it wasn’t the kind of place Leo approve of and a drug dealer playground. He also knew that the Deputy Inspector would be mad they smoked in his ex-wife lovely kitchen. But Raph was done playing by this son of bitch’s rules. He had been submissive too long and it had brought nothing but sorrow. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta

Raph had briefly the thought that he was too old for this shit when the smell hit him full face and the sound aggressed him. It’s reeked of sweat, the kind of sweat sick people or junkie have. Even when he was a nineteen years old brat with a fake ID, raves weren’t his scene. Raphael preferred a more smooth ambiance, with reasonably loud music that you don’t have the feeling to still heard thirty minutes after you left the place. He liked people, but raves were too much crowded and the heat and the smell seemed to him even more appalling than ten years ago. All around, there were bare-chested men and girls in bra, shiny from the sweat, dancing like crazy puppets or rubbing themselves with no restraint at all. Raph could have slept with a few people in his life, he wasn’t promiscuous. His first instinct was to walk out of there, whatever Mikey tried to do but then, he imagined Leo in bed, pulling the bra of his partner to suck on her nipple. The vision was so intolerable, he needed to drown it even if he was already more than tipsy. But raves didn’t serve alcohol and even weed wasn’t that popular. For a full minute, Raph was alone with his pain tearing him inside as frightened as a child in a blaze. He couldn’t deal with it alone. Mikey was there, but Mikey would only tell him things Raph didn’t want to hear. Anyway, what could Mikey say?

If Mikey tried to cheer him up, Raph wouldn’t want to believe in it, to not end disappointed. If Mikey told him that Leo was a cheater asshole, Raph would punch him and end losing his shit very badly. But from what he knew from his friend, Mikey would tell him to just have fun and think about Leo’s issue tomorrow morning. It was wise advice but one that Raph knew he couldn’t follow. He couldn’t get Leo out of his head with some music or dancing. He had a down in the car and had wanted to just drop Mikey at his place to have his breakdown in privacy and maybe drive around Brooklyn until he found Leo’s car. But Mikey had insisted it would do him some good and even if it was ridiculous, Raph suffered too much to fight or to be alone. 

“Here, have some water,” Mikey yelled near his ear. “It’s hot as a damn furnace and we both know about fire,” he kind of joked. But Raph was feeling like laughing ever. He was just following Mikey with a pounding heart and a forcefully half-empty mind. “Let’s move to the salon over there,” he suggested. “It’s still early, we can find a spot to sit and chill.”

Raph followed him, like a zombie. He wished to be dead, really. To be here, surrounded by people getting high just as a pastime when he was feeling like dying from misery was such a joke.

It’s unbelievable about how many months of work on himself and efforts could be blown by one single moment. Raphael already knew today he was going to relapse. In fact, he would be a dumbass hypocrite if he pretended he didn’t know already when he agreed to come here with Mikey. He was there to jump on the first drug dealer he would spot and then fuck himself up. Leo could cheat on him and perhaps not love him anymore, he would be mad if Raph did that and hurting Leo was the thing Raph was the more willing to do with dulling his pain.

He didn’t even think, thinking was too painful and Raph said to Mikey he was going to look around. He had a glimpse of Mikey’s unsure face, but this one let him go. It wasn’t long before Raph found what he was looking for. Dealers were easy to find and he didn’t have to hide. Also, now, money wasn’t troublesome like before. But since the guy didn’t have any cocaine ‘do you think it’s Hollywood?’ he had asked Raph, Raph had bought a speed pill for $20. To get horny on ecstasy wasn’t tempting him a bit. He could be feeling like the damn Alien movie monster was thrashing in his chest, to get sex with someone else was a big no. Before changing his mind, he swallowed the pill with a large gulp of water. When it was done and it was too late, he felt a mixed feeling of emptiness and a weird relief. They were even now, he thought, even if in his book to lie and cheat were much more deadly sins than just get high to escape his misery. Leo had no reason or excuse to cheat. Raph was there for him, almost begging him to get fucked, so Leo fucking around with girls was even more unforgivable. 

He couldn’t wait for the effect to happen and regretted it wasn’t cocaine like he was missing an old friend. He knew the feeling off and how it’s wrapped his mind far, far away from the hell Leo was putting himself through. He almost jumped a foot high when Mikey landed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey! Don’t overthink!” Mikey exclaimed, brushing Raph’s hair. “We here to have fun!”

A dark chuckle almost escaped Raph while Mikey decided to drag him on a sofa. Like having fun could be possible? He would even glad to be just numb. But it was either to follow Mikey on the sofa or to go outside in an even darker place. So he stayed there, sitting waiting for the pill to kick. After a moment, the heat was intolerable and he removed his t-shirt. He had put on the white one Leo didn’t approve of before leaving as he wanted to challenge and piss off his lover. He was getting more fidgety and perhaps less sad, but only slightly when Mikey rubbed his head on his shoulder and brushed his tight. Just by Mikey’s pupils, Raph could tell he hadn’t the only one to buy a pill. But now, he was feeling restless and he shoved Mikey gently away.

It was about his last memory before he entered into a dazed period where he danced like his life was depending on it. The little he remembered of Mikey, his friend looked fine getting groped by another guy. Raph was dancing for about one or fives hour with just a few breaks to get some water. It was impossible to tell and it wasn’t that bad until he got delusional. For a very short moment, he believed he saw Leo, dancing bare-chested with his robotic arm. The vision was so vivid, Raph walked toward the guy and spun the guy around him to face him. But it wasn’t Leo at all and now, the reality crushed on him. Leo couldn’t be there, because his so-called boyfriend was busy with the woman who called earlier. 

The need to see Leo and talk to him took Raph so strongly that if it wasn’t of Mikey stopping him Raph would have forgotten about him. 

“Where are you going?” Mikey asked, dishevel, and sweaty.

“I’m going home.” He was now frantic. “I want to see Leo and want to know why I’m not enough for him, anymore!”

Mikey was speaking to him, but half because of the too loud music and half because he was lost in his own word Raph didn’t hear.

Then he realized he didn’t have his bike and that he came in Mikey’s car. This one was asking him to ‘not go home yet’ and pointed another guy. Of course, he hoped he could get his ass banged in the restroom. Raph decided to be such a good friend, Mikey deserved to get his fuck.

“Be quick,” he said, his jaw feeling tense. He pulled out from his pant his Nokia and had a brief bewilderment seeing it was almost 6:am. Leo, the asshole was working in a few hours, right? It was hard for Raph to collect his thoughts, but if he remembered correctly, they were already there for more than five hours. Did Leo return home?

Mikey kissed him, not a fully opened, french-kiss, more a peck on the lips, as a thank you, and Raph wiped his lips before drinking some water again. He returned to dance and he felt like since the beginning, it was the same, endless song and he was getting sick of it. The smoke was making him think back of 9/11 and suddenly, he felt his heart was racing too damn fast. He needed to leave, take a damn shover and shake Leo until he get answers! How long was it since Mikey was gone? He really needed to talk to Leo. Suddenly, he felt they could work through this. He rushed to the restroom, slightly aware it must be a while he needed to take a piss. The first thing he saw when he stepped in was a guy bending over the counter and his focus zeroed on it. He swallowed heavily or tried too with his mouth too dry. It was like the guy was transparent and he could see the fine white powder the guy was snorting through him.  
  
He didn’t even think and took a step forward.

“Do you have some spare to sell?” he asked, pulling out his wallet. He didn’t even let his mind on the memory of the time he was so desperate he counted the screwing change on the counter the time Leo was at this kinky resort. It was again the fault of his jerk, to let him alone, with those raw feelings that were burning him alive. This motherfucker had no say in this: if Raph wanted to wreck himself, he damn could. Suddenly, he dreaded to see Leo. He wasn’t ready. He was too upset and he would ruin everything. This damn chemical pill was putting his thoughts all over the place. The feeling he could make a speech great enough to convince Leo he was better than some pussy was gone, leaving him overwhelmed by insecurity. 

The guy straightened himself while rubbing his nose and studied Raph from head to toe, like he liked what he was seeing.

“Not here, but if you want to drop by my place, I have some more,” he said with a salacious wink. “I got some hoes who would like to snort some nose candy on a sexy black man like you. The contrast in color, I guess.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Raph’s focus was solely on this guy now and the coke he had. It didn’t even come to his mind, it could be less troublesome to search for another dealer who could provide him the drug now. The guy offered him to continue the party at his place. He would busy Raph’s mind, making him somewhere to be, since Leo didn’t want him, anymore. The ache was back, now and he needed to dime it. 

Next thing Raph knew, he was back in Mikey’s car with two other guys on the back seat, following another vehicle. The song Purple’s Hill playing full volume, Mikey shaking his head to the beats. What Mikey was going there, Raph wondered a brief moment, before reminding his friend had been very eager to follow. 

He glanced at the window with blinking eyes. Outside the sun was up and he recognized Prospect Park. It was 6h45 and amazed, he realized Leo was back from his jogging at this time and he eagerly watched if he couldn’t see his lover. Then he remembered the guy said he was living in West Midtown, very close to Raph’s old apartment. Very close to Leo’s station.

“Ya’ will drop me home?” he asked Mikey. “Leo…” Damn, it was hard to talk with his heart pounding as crazy and his too thick tongue. “Leo is gonna be pissed if I ain’t back for breakfast.” 

“I don’t know man, you told this dude we will go to his place to continue to party.”

“I ain’t promised shit,” Raph mumbled. “I wanna see if Leo is home. If he is home, I’m going home too.”

One of the guys on the backseat protested about no one would leave, it was too early, and that Raph was a buzz kill.

“Just try to stop me and I will slug ya!” he shouted, shaking with anger, twisting himself on the seat to face the man. 

“Chill out, Raph!” Mikey pleaded, like his voice was hurting his ears. “I will drive in front of your place,” he promised. “Don’t piss off, my buddy, you, or I drop your asses here. My ride, my rules,” Mikey said. 

A rush of gratefulness took Raph. Mikey was a great friend. But this happiness was scattered when Mikey drive slowly by their street. Leo’s car normal car was there at the same spot than yesterday. The porch light was still on despite the sun as the one Raph didn’t turn off in their bedroom when he came back for his t-shirt and the newspaper still in the mailbox. Leo always get it inside after his jogging. Maybe Leo was too upset by Raph’s disappearance?

“He is not there, Raph.” Mikey was stating the obvious. “He didn’t get back.”

“What a posh house!” one of the men exclaimed. “Are you sure you didn’t get lost?”

“Maybe...maybe he is looking for me…” Raph clung to anything, dismissing the two dickheads in the car. “It’s fucking seven am, now! He must be at work.”

“What do you want to do, Raph?” Now Mikey was parked. “It’s your call, dude. Either you go there, waiting for your man to come back or you come with us.” 

Raph hesitated one moment. 

“Just drive by his station, Mike. I bet he is there.”

Mikey sighed but did as he had been told, while one of the guys called the other car to tell them they would stop to get donuts. 

But at the station, it was the same.

“There no collection Porsche, here, Raph. Either he hasn’t arrived yet or he is skipping work.”

“Fuck you! Leo is too responsible for skipping work!” 

“A Porsche? Who is Leo? And what are you doing in front of a cop shop? Man, it’s giving me the chill. Let go grab some donuts. Jay is waiting for us!”

“Leo is my boyfriend! He is the Deputy Inspector of the 70th precinct. Got a problem with it?” Both guys stared speechlessly. Whatever I’m gonna wait for him here!” Raph exclaimed and he grabbed the door handle.

But Mikey seized on his arm, pulling him inside.

“Are you crazy? Do you really want to pick a fight and make a scene with your so-important boyfriend in front of the people he works with, high as fuck?” 

“Does his boyfriend is really a hotshot cop? He is messing with you, man. There no way a Deputy Inspector is a fag for a black thug.”

This was the same speech Raph told himself hundred of times. Leo was far too proper for him. But suddenly, it was taking a more realistic meaning. He didn’t listened to Mikey snap back to the guy. He was suddenly exhausted and wanted to get home and cry. But his home was Leo’s and he refused to go there, in the silence and the cold. 

“I’m not high,” Raph replied gloomily. “I’m fucking down. Let’s go party.”

****

It was Mikey who kicked him out of it. Raph was lying on a mattress, with only his boxer on. There was a girl unconscious on him or sleeping or overdosed he couldn’t tell. He just remembered she wanted sex with him and for a brief moment, it had been almost tempted to rub it in Leo the damn cheater’s face. But he had turned her down over and over and maybe two or three other people. He had still snorted a line or two on her boobs. Not because he was interested into them but because of the drug. He had got kind of groped too and let a guy sucking on his nipple after he had sparked some snow on it, but it was part of the game, he had decided. If he was doing something close to cheating, Leo’s own mischief would hurt fewer perhaps. 

“Man, we need to leave. It’s past 2:00 pm, the day is almost over and we have work tomorrow. I think you get enough. You need a few hours to pull yourself together before Leo comes back.”

Raph hadn’t see Mikey too much. The loft was wide and it was obviously a fuckpad for cokehead. The little he saw, his friend was having fun, getting down energy drinks. But now, his friend was tired and Raph realized that Mikey probably took nothing at all since midnight and was so kind of sober. 

But work was very far from his mind. 

“I will break his pretty player face,” Raph growled, immediately riled up at his lover’s mention and he snatched his pants after a moment looking around. On the ground, he saw a tiny Ziploc bag containing what looked about a gram of cocaine and he took it without a second thought. “I will punch him so bad,” Raph continued. “he wouldn’t be able to do to girl kissy faces anymore.”

“Let him explain himself first,” Mikey sighed, not looking like having fun, anymore. “Let’s go home.”

While they were leaving the same guy that mocked Raph in the car sneered something about Raph loving to fuck pig. That he didn’t punch the guy before was already a miracle and so, Raph hearing his boyfriend insulted jumped on the guy, seeing red. Then, the next thing he knew, he and Mikey were on the sidewalk. Raph wanted to go back there to beat the shit out of all of them and the other fireman had to physically restrain him.

“When you are invited at a kingpin’s place, speaking of your Deputy Inspector lover could kill the ambiance,” Mikey pointed out. “Man, I didn’t know you were that aggressive.” He sighed and put his hand on Raph’s shoulder. “Just come to my place. We will smoke a spliff or two to get you chiller before facing Leo.”

But Raph snapped the hand away. All this time, he had been a bitch and a coward he decided. If he had confronted Leo weeks ago, he would not be there, getting mashed with his heart in pieces. He would get to the bottom of the matter, now.

With a long sigh, Mikey climbed into his car.

“Come on,” he said, slightly annoyed.

The trip to Leo’s place wasn’t long, and ten minutes later there was in front of the blue and yellow house. 

Raph’s jaw clenched to a painful point when he realized that Leo didn’t come back yet. The regular car was still at the exact place it was yesterday. But it was making sense, he decided. Leo was at work. Maybe he left a note or the Porsche was in the garage and Leo waiting home, maybe. He was about to leave the car, when Mikey pulled on his arm again.

“What!” Raph snapped.

Mikey stared at him seriously.

“I admit I was interested in you. I mean in a lover’s way. I should have known better. You do really love him. I can’t match that.”

“This is why ya’ had been such an asshole yesterday? Damn, fuck yeah, ya’ should have known better after having listened to my rambling for months.” Raph wasn’t even stirred a bit. The only thing that mattered for him right now was to get down the car and see if Leo left a note. “See ya tomorrow, Mike! Thanks for listening,” he added absentmindedly.

He slammed the door and almost ran to the house, his hand shaking with nerve and drug use while unlocking the door. He pushed it open and bellowed “Leo” to the top of his lungs, even if he knew it was unlikely his lover was there. In the garage, the Porsche wasn’t there and he found no note at all. On the voicemail, there was a single message. It was again from the same woman that called the night before.

“Leo. It’s Nadia, please pick up. I’m worried.”

So Leo wasn’t with her, but it didn’t calm down Raph a bit. To be worried and to be on first-name basis, this woman must be intimate with his lover. Leo wasn’t with her, but he was with Usagi or Usagi’s sister or another woman he met at his golf club before ditching it and making of it an excuse to cheat on Raph.

He tried to stay calm and keep his inflating anger under control when he did something he never dared to do: calling Leo’s office directly.

Leo’s secretary took the call.

“Hi, Ma’am, I need to speak with the Deputy Inspector Hamato immediately.” 

“The Deputy Inspector is out of his office, today.”

To this single sentence spoke in an indifference voice, like the woman didn’t know how deeply she had stabbed Raph with it, the firefighter lost it. 

“How the fuck he isn’t there? Did you speak to him? What did he say? Where was this motherfucker?”

She hung up, probably mortified his boss had been called a motherfucker, but Raph was far too out of his mind to care about decorum. Leo had skipped work and for Leo to do that, it was either he was dead or the damn girl he was with was a too great laid for him to move out of her bed. Raph remembered when himself had found funny to prevent Leo from going at work on time and to go comfort his wife, who spend the night waiting for him the first time Leo slept at his place. Now karma was bitting him in the ass.

He was there, choking in anger and despair. But then, another thought came back. What if Leo killed himself? His lover was down and sick and perhaps he had decided to end himself by driving his car over a cliff. A flashy death wasn’t Leo at all, he tried to reason himself. If the policeman wanted to commit suicide-and it was very unlikely-he would just shot himself in the head with his gun. 

Suddenly, Raph was thirsty for this gun. He looked at the time. If Leo wasn’t there by six pm, he would kill himself right in their bed. Then, Leo wouldn’t ever be able to fuck someone in this room. 

Obsessed with the idea, Raph started to search the house. Since the time he aimed the gun to Leo, his boyfriend had been very careful to lock it somewhere. This prick never trusted him and this thought made him even madder. He tried again to call over and over his boyfriend, to get no answer. It was not even 4:00 pm and he was about to wreck everything. He remembered them the gram he had in his pocket and made himself two three-inch rails on the coffee table. He tightly roll up a $10 bill and snorted the first line. He sniffed hard to get the powder all the way up into his nose, eager to feel as detached he had been earlier. He had just finished snorting the first that he heard it. The motor sound of Leo’s luxurious car. 

Raph pulled so hard on the curtain to see if it was the son of a bitch coming back home that the curtain pole fell. It was indeed Leo, wearing the same clothes he left the evening before. Just by his stance by getting out of the car it was apparent Leo got little sleep. The scumbag had been too busy pouncing into an ass or a pussy and to see Leo kind of fine after Raph had been worried sick did it. 

His eyes landed on the golf bag and he acted out of instinct, pulling an iron club before storming out of the house. All these repressed anxieties and anger needed to bubble out.

“You motherfucker!” he yelled and he smashed the Porsche left headlight. “How dare you come back with yer cheater face!”

Leo was looking at him, pale with dark bags under his eyes and this sleepless night face made Raph even crazier. He smashed the windshield with the faint thought that if Leo was unresponsive, Casey would die on the spot to see such a fantastic car destroyed.

“Would you tell me where you were, you asshole!” he shouted in rage, swing the club all over the car. Some people were looking in their window and a car slowed down, probably calling the cops on Raph’s ass at the moment. 

The question seemed to awoke Leo finally.

“I was at the hospital.” Leo stared at him and Raph’s anger melted away. Only by his face, he could tell Leo was telling the truth and worry was back in front of his mind. 

“Babe,” he started, taking a step forward. But Leo stretched his hand like to prevent Raph to get closer. “Yer sick,” he exclaimed, his voice full of sorrow. “I knew it. Why did you hide it to me!”

“I’m not sick.” Leo’s voice was clipped. “I got a call from the hospital yesterday. Hazel entered in labor.”

The name of Leo’s ex-wife was like a slap.

“For what for,” he growled. “He isn’t yours. And why didn’t you need the fancy car, then?”

“I know that, but it seems that somewhere since I last saw them, Don and Hazel split. Her mother was out of the country and it seems my number was still the emergency one in her file. They said the labor seemed to lead to complications and that she was hysterical. I didn’t tell you because your friend was there and I didn’t want to get into a fight with you in front of him. He was already hitting on you enough,” Leo finished with a scowl. “Cell phones aren’t allowed in the hospital and when I got into a phone boot and called home, you didn’t answer. And for your information, I took the fancy car because I noticed a flat tire on my Mazda and didn’t have the time to get it fixed. You can check if you don’t believe me.”

Raph blinked, rubbing his nose, too caught in his thought to see Leo’s frown deepen. He was sure he had another reason to be angry.

“Who’s the fuck is Nadia?” He looked down at the club in his hand. “Where the fuck are you when you are supposed to play golf?”

He was on Leo, snarling and at the same moment, he could hear the police siren getting for him. He didn’t care. What mattered what Leo’s answer.

“Nadia is my psychotherapist.” Leo pulled out of his wallet a business card that Raph didn’t take, stunned. “I meet her instead to play golf for a moment now. I really enjoyed golf, but I figured I needed to get counseling. I didn’t tell you, to not worry you. It's strictly professional.”

It was so Leo-like, Raph was half relieved half incensed.

“Shutting up about it made me twice worried, you sneaky bitch!! Let go do some hanky panky upstairs and forget about this.” Yes, Leo has a kind of reason and Raph wanted to forget about it. Now that he thought about it, he relapsed very easily and himself could need counseling. What about having it together? Raph wasn’t proud of him and what he had done a bit, but was very willing to speak about it honestly with Leo and a therapist. He wanted to take his lover in his arm, to give him support and get some loving, but Leo took a step backward.

“Don’t touch me,” Leo’s eyes were wide and his gaze was on Raph’s nose, recalling what he was doing before Leo’s arrival. He must still have a trace of white powder around the nostril. Dread filled him because he knew his lover would be mad and it was an understatement. But Leo wasn’t looking angry. He looked frightened, an expression ver unusual on the collected Deputy Inspector face. Was it because he still has a club in hand and he smashed the car? Leo was trembling and Raph wondered how Leo would never flinch seemed so shocked. He was mumbling something and bewildered Raph believed having heard mommy. It was so weird, Raph felt like he had sobered up just to listen to it. 

“Freeze! Hands over your head!” an officer shouted. “Deputy Inspector Hamato, are you alright?

There was there, the moment Leo probably dreaded for months, that his officers would know he was gay for a 6’5 bulky black man. But to be called by his title seemed to get Leo’s sense back and to Raph’s horror, Leo jumped in his car to pull out his own gun, aiming it at Raph.

“Get out!” Leo’s voice wasn’t angry, almost pleading. Leo was aiming his gun at him like he was genuinely scared, and suddenly Raph would have taken a hundredfold the anger. Leo could be angry. Raph smashed his passed-away father car and did drugs. And Leo didn’t even know half of what he did. How stupid he had been. But he showed that something was definitively off with his boyfriend.

“I love ya’,” he said lowly. “Let’s talk when you have calmed down, okay? I ain’t angry, Leo. I did mistake but I won’t harm you ever.” And he threw the club away, putting his hands crossed behind his head before kneeling on the ground. The submissive display would calm down the other cops but it was mostly Leo he wanted to calm down. “Tell your men it’s fine and I will wait for your call. I will leave and let you your space.” 

Leo lowered his gun and walked backward toward the house. For a moment, Raph was afraid his lover let him be arrested and refuse to bail him out.

“It’s fine,” he yelled to the two officers when he was back at his door. “He isn’t armed and he is about to leave.”

Both officers seemed dubitative and Raph, with tears of confusion and anger, stood up when Leo entered the house. The drug was still on the coffee table, nothing to placate Leo and help Raph’s case, but Raph was now feeling more concerned about Leo’s himself than their relationship. The scared face of his lover put another perspective on their situation. If Leo was done with him, fine, Raph would try to accept it. But Leo needed help if he was afraid of him, who loved him so much. 

Without caring about the police officers, he put on his helmet and straddled Betty. He knew who could help Leo and even if they both disliked each other, Raph was ready to divorce his pride and beg for Donnie’s help. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no beta

“Don! You asshole! I know you are there! Open the fucking door!”

Raph gave another kick on the door. He knew Leo’s brother was there. His car was there and he was certain he saw a figure behind the curtain. He knew Don wasn,t fond of him; it was even an understatement. Raph didn’t mind; the feeling was quite mutual. But today, he was ready to overcome his dislike of the man because it was a fucking emergency. But this bastard needed to do some effort too! It had been already five minutes that he was at this damn door this prick refuse to open. At first, Raph had thought clever to announce Don the baby was born, but obviously, it had not been enough. Maybe the doctor knew already.

He had been close to trying to smash the door down, but then, Don wouldn’t hesitate to call the cops. Don could have promised he won’t do anything to prevent Leo from loving him, the fact was that Don would be far happier if his eldest brother was dating a cute woman. Even if Leo went for man, Don would choose tenfold Usagi over Raph. Damn, scratch that; Don would prefer the first random guy over Raphael. So, of course, Don wouldn’t mind calling the cop on Raph’s ass, even if it ends to be troublesome for Leo. Don would argue Raph had asked for it by breaking in his house and Leo would side with his brother and explain it was because Raph had been coked up again and Leo would definitively break with him. But it wasn’t what was holding Raph back to smash the door, right now. His boyfriend has severe problems and Raph didn’t want to add at his load. He leaned his forehead on the wooden door and sucked in a deep breath to calm down.

“It’s about Leo! There something wrong with your bro!” he yelled but in a softer tone. Then, he realized it looked like they had a disagreement. “It’s fucking health matter! This is your damn department! Don’t you love your bro?”

It’s seemed to have been the right thing to say because Raph heard the lock. The door opened from barely an inch, just enough to see one red-rimmed eye.

“What is about?” Don’s voice was clipped. “I give you one minute starting now.” 

“Do you know your brother see a psychotherapist?” Raph said.

“It was about time he does after such a trauma,” Don replied. He was about to close the door already, but Raph managed to get his foot in.

“You know as me your bro is a prideful bastard who never ask help,” he exclaimed. “But this isn’ the real issues here. Since your father’s death, Leo is acting oddly.”

“It’s called mourning,” Don deadpanned. “Now, if you could leave...”

“We don’t have sex anymore…” Raph continued, trying to stay patient. “He acts like he is kind of disgusted of me or scared…”

“What can I say?” Don had a dark chuckle. “Maybe Leo came back to his sense.”

Raph smashed his fish on the door, to push it open more. He was done keeping himself in check.

“He fucking aimed a gun at my head!” he snapped and he could see Don was surprised. “We have a fight but instead of punching me in the face or getting angry, he turned like I was the damn Bogeyman and called his mommy! What’s about that, doc?”

The door opened without resistance.

“Get inside!” Don grabbed his arm to pull him inside. “Stop doing scandal in front of someone’s house, you hopeless moron!”

Raph could argue back that Don had been the asshole one, denying to open his door, but the doctor’s face was so ashen, that Raph dismissed it. There were more urgent matters. 

“I came here because you are a doctor and you know him the best,” Raph started, but Don cut him sharply.

“You’re high again, do you? Don’t deny it! As you said, I’m a doctor! I can’t be fooled! Leo didn’t tell me a lot about your past fight, because he is secretive, but I know enough! Don’t you know how to have a junkie lover could affect Leo’s career and reputation?”

Raph wasn’t about to deny it. He could understand he could seem less reliable and overreacting to Don’s opinion now, but his drug use wasn’t the point, even if calling him a junkie was going overboard. But Raph doesn’t mind Don’s insult if that’s mean he would feel good enough to listen to him.

“I am, but it had nothing to do with it. First, me going crazy it’s your bro fault.”

Don scowled and Raph told himself it wasn’t a smooth move to accuse Leo straight from the bat. But something caught his attention: he saw fuck-up people enough to mistake the sign. Don took something else than a coffee as bitter and black as his soul this morning.

“Hypocrite much, are you?” he snickered and the doctor struggled hard to keep his poker face, mumbling about how being a medic was a heavy responsibility that didn’t allow feeling down. Even if it would be a treat to drag Don down his high horse, Raph decided to not push the matter further. “Anyway, I ain’t the kind of guy judging people and I’m sure not here for ya.”

Without waiting to be invited, he walked to the living room and dropped in the couch. Tiredness from his day filled him, but Raph felt that if he let exhaustion reach him, something bad will happen. “Let me tell you about it from the start and don’t dare fucking interrupt me with one of your smart ass comments.”

Raphael summarized the part following Mr.Hamato’s death. It was also Don’s father and he didn’t want to rub salt into his wounds. He only said Leo was more withdrawn than usual, and then in the last week, they had zero sex, something that had never happened. Leo had thrown up and said it was because he got a commotion and at first, Raph had believed it, because it was easier to swallow. He explained how he had been jealous, thinking Leo was a cheating lover again. He justified having considered it by explaining what had occurred the day before. Leo talking to Usagi’s sister, a girl with a big crush on his brother’s ex, obviously and so cute. Then, he had learned Usagi was about to divorce and had believed Leo had hidden it from him because he was considering returning back with the other policeman, a much more proper man than Raph. And what about Leo lying about taking a nap when in fact, he was dying his hair? He briefly reported the evening with Mikey, until Leo’s disappearance, to insist about he had felt like he was dying when he learned that the golf was an excuse and that he got a call from an unknown woman. So, of course, he decided to get smashed because he couldn’t bear the thought Leo wasn’t loving him anymore.

“When Leo came back, I was so mad, because I thought he died, you know? He was so edgy and gloomy...I busted his car with the golf club, I couldn’t help myself!” he cried out saying how Don stared at him in disbelief. “I had been eaten by fear and pain for days! I snapped! But then...Leo, he watched me smashing the car and...he didn’t react. And I mean, everyone would have lost his shit to see such a car getting destroyed! Leo loved it! He was always washing and waxing it! But he wasn’t looking bothered at all! He told me where he was, with a detached voice.” At this point of his story, Raph realized that maybe Don didn’t want to know Leo was with Hazel when she was giving birth. “And he said the unknown woman was his therapist. I told myself I was glad he saw one because as you said yerself, he is a secretive son of a bitch! He needs to open up. I admit I would prefer it was with me, but whatever could make him feel better...But the cops arrived and, I don’t exactly remember at which moment it was, but I wanted to take him in my arms, to make up with him, ya know? And...he told me to not touch him. He was looking so afraid, it scared the shit out of me when he took a gun. I mean, I know I did the same.” Raph kind of hoped Don didn’t know about this past event but was ready to spill his guts about everything if it’s mean he could help them better. “But Leo...he isn’t emotional like me. And I swear he called yer mom. I was much more troubled about it that having the gun aimed at me.”

He finished his story, explaining how he managed to calm Leo down a bit and that at the minute he got free, he rode to Don’s house.

The doctor seemed in deep concentration. 

“You told me Hazel gave birth. Was it true or just a scheme to make me open the door?”

Even if it wasn’t the first question Raph had hoped, he couldn’t deny a new father to ask about his baby.  
“Yeah. Leo was there. This is why he left without a word like a jerk. Because I was with my friend. Leo didn’t want us to fight about her in front of Mikey.” Don looked miserable and despite Raph disliked him, he felt pity. He still remembered how Don fussed over Leo’s wife, his eyes full of adoration. “He told me his number was still the emergency one in her files.”

Don closed his eyes for a moment and reached a pack of cigarettes. He took one and stretched the package to Raph, who politely turned down the offer. 

“I bet it still was,” Don said bitterly after having lite the cigarette. “She still loved him, you know? Leo could not care for her anymore, she wasn’t able to forget him. She never loved me. When it was obvious Leo was done and she had to left the house, she lived with me because I was the father’s child.” He dragged on the cigarette, before releasing a long puff. “Maybe she told herself, she could still see Leo and have a chance to win him back? I don’t know. But the fact is that if you were upset for one week without sex, I got none since the conception, last winter. She called him, you know? A few times…” He took another drag, before crushing the cigarette in an ashtray. “But the turned her down, every time. I recorded it. Their conversation, I mean.” Raph made a face. What a weirdo stalker, but was he any better when he searched Leo’s phone, pocket, and house? “Every time, he said he loved you. So I’m pretty sure that Leo isn’t cheating on you.”

It was a pleasant surprise to heard it and Raph regretted not have visited Don two days earlier. He should have confided in him, instead of Mikey. They had more in common than he first believed. But talking about Hazel wasn’t the reason he came there. He tried to return to Leo’s mental health topic the more smoothly he could manage. 

“It’s a relief, but I would be happier about it when Leo would be alright,” he said. “Have you an idea of what wrong with him?”

Don crossed his long legs nervously. 

“Well, I guess it’s because of what I told you a few months ago.” Raph stared, not sure to understand. “Leo’s assault and our mother’s death! Maybe our father’s death triggered memories from it? Now that I thought of it, he did buy the car when Leo got out of the hospital. He drove it to our Summer house and told Leo it would be his car later and he has to take care of it. My father didn’t use it except this single time, but every time Leo was there, he had to wash and wax the car because it was his car, his consolation for what had happened, so of course, he needed to take care of it. My father seemed to believe that a shiny car would make to Leo a shiny soul.” Don has a sad chuckle. “But Leo never truly liked the car. You know him, he is a guy of duty. If our father wanted him to care for a car, he would. This is why he married Hazel, too. People were telling him she was a beautiful and good wife. So he took the wife like he took the Porsche; without real passion because people around him seemed to say it was a guarantee of happiness. Maybe by smashing the car, you discharged him from a burden as I did by getting Hazel pregnant.”

It was a fascinating analogy, Raph was about to say, but it wasn’t sure the word analogy fitted in this context and since for once, he was getting along with Don, he didn’t want to ruin it by looking like a dumbass. 

“But what about the assault? Leo knew I wasn’t this guy! I was like fucking four when it’s happened!” Raph protested.

Don was in deep reflection.

“You told me Leo was moody since my father’s death but turned weird a week ago, only? Just after he bumped his head.” Raphael nodded. “Leo’s head smashed hard on the concrete this time and as I told you, Leo had NO IDEA of what had happened. I don’t remember what the guy on Leo was looking like. I was nine. But he was black and muscular and now that I thought of it, he had a baseball bat. Was it if he looked like you, swinging this golf club? What if the guy was high on cocaine and something about both of you seem now similar to him? Leo was young too. It was dark and it’s been a while. So you don’t have to look like twins!” Don explained when he saw Raph was about to retort something. “Maybe since this concussion, Leo had a flashback about it?” Raph’s eyes widened in horror, doing the math in his head. “If he had some flashbacks, he doesn’t even understand where they are coming from! Because my damn father refused to tell him he got raped!” Don shouted in anger.

To think that his lover could mistake him for his aggressor was upsetting, but Raph focused on Leo’s pain, instead of his own. 

“What we do?” Raph asked with concern. “Now I get why me getting angry could have troubled him. But I won’t ever hurt him. We can throw each other punch when we got riled up,” he admitted, shrugging like it was normal. “But forcing myself on him? I barely ever top! I never did not even once since we get together!” he exclaimed. He could see the doctor’s face twisting in disgust to get so much information about his brother’s sex life. 

“What was the name of the therapist?” Don asked. “Do you remember?”

Of course, Raph remembered the name, but even better, he picked it from the ground. When he kneeled in front of him, Raph had noticed Leo had dropped it on the ground. He gave it to Don, not understanding what it could change.

“I will call her and ask her if we can meet somewhere,” Don explained, already pulling his phone. “She will tell us what it’s going wrong with Leo.”

“Are you supposed to keep professional secrecy when yer a doc?” Raph asked, dubious about Donnie’s idea.

“Please, I’m also a doctor, very respected from my colleagues,” Don stated, with a dismissing gesture, like it was so a big shot, there was no way Leo’s psychotherapist would refuse to answer.

Despite Raph’s doubts, Don did the call and make sure to introduce himself, before telling her he was Leo’s younger brother and have pieces of information to give her. Obviously, Don had been right to not be worried because she agreed to meet them in a coffee a few blocks away, in twenty minutes. 

“What about me?” Raph wasn’t sure he was invited to this meeting. Even if he was apprehensive about his boyfriend, he wondered if he would fuck this by looking like a death dog shit like he probably was.

“You will come with me,” Don decided. “You look awful after a night partying, that’s true, but I think that seeing the real you would help her in the situation. She also seemed deeply worried.”

Raph couldn’t deny Don got a point and, still nervous, he followed Don’s car on Betty to the coffee shop. 

The psychotherapist wasn’t there yet, but it wasn’t any surprise, considering, they rushed there. 

“Don’t talk except if we are asking you a question,” Don said, ordering three iced cappuccino. He paid and took them. 

“Why three?” Raph asked. 

“One is for you, to keep your mouth busy. The other is for her. Ladies love cappuccino.”

Raph said nothing. He understood Don was trying to act like a gentleman to get more info from Leo’s therapist, but he hoped it won’t be too long. He was very worried about Leo, alone. He should have discovered the cocaine left on the table, by now, but it wasn’t Raph main’s concern. Leo’s well-being was. Raph was itching to call his lover, to hear Leo’s voice and try to comfort him as well as being comforted himself.

“This is her,” Don said with something odd in his voice. Raph followed his gaze. A brunette with eyeglasses was walking toward them with a white business suit and Raph told himself he had been crazy to have been jealous of her. She wasn’t ugly, but she looked like the geek type, with the eroticism of a wooden spoon.

Don stood up to shake her hand and invited her to sit.

“Let’s me being straight here, “she said, dismissing the cappuccino offered. “It’s not my habit to meet family members of my clients, even less out of my business hour, somewhere else than in my office. “But I admit your brother’s case is concerning me. His story is fascinating because he had to face so many difficulties in his life, and he was always able to overcome them. He is a very strong man,” she said. Raph nodded eagerly, pleased to hear praise about his lover. Leo deserved them. “But it’s obvious something happened in his past, something terrible, that had marked him as hard if it’s not even worse than 9/1,” she continued. “But he isn’t able to explain himself. I’m here to be able to make better use of my counseling time with him. I guess you, his brother, and a doctor could give me a pointer to work on.” She glanced at Raphael. “And this is your brother’s boyfriend. Am I right?”

“Yeah, it’s me, M’am. Raphael Jones, it’s my name,” Raphael replied eagerly. Now he was very curious about what Leo told about him. Suddenly, he remembered he had been rude to her on the phone. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Don beat him at it.

“I’m here to discuss a hypothesis,” he said sharply. “As you guessed, it’s Raphael. Like me, he had no idea my brother was seeing a therapist. He was worried about Leo for a while, but since I have no a...very good relationship with him,” Don understated, he didn’t tell me there was something wrong with Leo. He discovered it this morning, after a fight, he had with my brother. He told me about his concern and then, I made a hypothesis. I know something Leo don’t,” he explained with emphasis. “Something that could explain a lot how he feels actually.”

They locked eyes a moment and Raph wondered what was going on. There was like something happening there that he had no idea about. But there was something he was sure. It was too slow. Raph wanted Don to share all he knows already for them to talk about solutions.

“Does my boyfriend is afraid of me?” he asked, sorrow obvious in his voice. “I love him so much...I won’t ever hurt him,” he exclaimed, a little too loudly.

The woman gave him a neutral look.

“This is confidential. I suggest you tell me what you know, and tomorrow I would inform Mr.Hamato about our meeting and suggest we discuss it at our next appointment.”

Yes, it was going to slow to his liking. He could have said to Leo he would give him space, deep down, Raph felt an emergency to settle this.

“No,” he slammed his palm on the cheap table. “I said you listen to Don now and right after, you call Leo in front of us. Leo isn’t a coward; he wouldn’t mind if we are there, in fact, I think it would be better if we are all on the same page for once.”

“I doubt Leo would appreciate I’m there, Don said, with a slight uneasiness. “He wouldn’t like to be talked about his mental health issues and his teen trauma in a coffee shop neither.”

Raph knew Don was kind of right, but he refused to drop it. 

“Let move to her office then after, but I’m not gonna sleep on this, with Leo alone and in pain. He had nightmares and he cries in his sleep. You aren’t there but I know. He is suffering and he doesn’t even know why. I said we are settling this now,” he insisted. “Tell her Don about the rape!”

Playing with his straw, looking down on his drink, Don sighed.

He told the story, trying not to be too emotional about it and even talking about his own personal issues with his brother. The therapist’s focus was on Don and Raph, listening to his lover’s brother’s confession understood that Donnie never got it easy. He had been a mommy-boy and she got killed because of him. He had always admired his big brother and had assisted helpless to his assault. His father had always preferred Leo, but then, the preference had been even more marked after their mother’s death. Don had refused to be hurt by it because he decided he had deserved it. Then, he had fallen in love with a woman who also preferred his brother and Don had decided to let it go since Leo was more deserving. He told about how Leo’s happiness mattered to him, but how he had struggled to show it properly since Leo find him more harassing and nosy than anything. He explained his own nightmare following 9/11 and his pain to see that what he did make neither Hazel or Leo happy for the matter. And now, a baby will live without a father and be unhappy and it would be his fault again. He had never talked about what had happened to Leo because his father had forbidden him. When he died, the relationship between Leo and him was awkward because of Hazel, and anyway, Don found it irrelevant about two decades after. 

“I think you should keep her business card,” Raph finally said, motioning to the therapist. It wasn’t to mock Don. The guy had it rough. “So what about Leo?”

“What do you have to say, yourself,” the therapist asked. “What was this fight you have since yesterday?”

It was fair game Raph spills his guts too and he did. He told the whole story since the moment he met Leo until Leo aimed his gun at him. Don fidgeted when Raph told about how a jerk to him Don had been. But the woman didn’t comment. 

“I see, indeed, I think Mr.Hamato wouldn’t be mad if I confirm to you he had was he calls ‘visions’ about you trying to kill him. He thinks it’s because you also aimed a gun at his head, once.” Don stared at him and it was Raph’s turn to be uneasy. “He knew it’s not making sense and is very convinced you love him. But he kept having them and lately, he said it’s with a daily occurrence each time he got too close of you. He doesn’t tell you because he doesn’t understand why he had these visions and doesn’t want you to be worried about what he called “nonsense.” I think you need to tell him, the exact way you told us. What it’s driving Leonardo anxious is that he doesn’t understand why he keeps seeing you as a threat. If he could rationalize why your boyfriend is mentally strong enough to overcome them. He told me he is much more violent than you when he got carried away. This is something troubling him since he never got the urge to hit someone, before.”

Raph stared. Indeed, if it wasn’t of one of these visions, last night, Leo would have fucked and beat the shit out of him after what had happened with Mikey. Raph never minded, if that means Leo wouldn’t be mad at him afterward. Raph could take it, big as he was.

“He isn’t that bad.” He needed to talk in Leo’s favor. He never could stand that people could have a wrong opinion about his boyfriend. “I ain’t a helpless little girl,” he blurted out. 

But the woman kept her eyes on Don. “I think we should move to my office, indeed.” Her voice was softer than at her arrival. “You should come with me. I will call your brother, tell you are there, and if he agrees, we could make a seance, you, your brother and me tomorrow. I don’t even mind at all if it’s tonight.”

“What about me?” Why Don and not him? Leo has issues with him, not Don. “I’m coming too, right?”

The woman shook her head.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I think Dr. Malone is right…” Don said, his voice hitching at the woman’s name.

“Call me Nadia,” the woman said, with a slight flush and Raph couldn’t believe it. Were they flirting? 

“I disagree!” he exclaimed, but Nadia held her finger to silence him, while she pulled her phone. 

She called Leo and Raph froze in anguish, wondering if his lover will pick the call. But he did and Raph leant over the table to hear his lover’s voice.

“Your boyfriend went to your brother’s house,” she said straightforwardly. “He told him about you and gave him my card.”

He heard Leo’s voice and guessed his lover was surprised he went as far as running at Don's. Leonardo knew they were not getting along. Indeed, it was a testimony of how Raph had been worried sick. 

“Your brother wanted to meet me after what Mr. Jones told him. I think you should hear what your brother has to tell. It would answer many of your questions.”

Leo said something, probably asking where they were and if Don and he were still here. 

“We are in a coffee shop and they are both there. Yes, of course.”

She gave him the address of the coffee and she hung up.

“He is coming here. But,” she looked at Raph with sympathy and he felt a cold pit in his stomach, “He said he doesn’t want to discuss this with you there.”

“Alright,” he mumbled and he stood up. It hurt like a stab with an ice pick, but Raph knew it. Leo found the drug and whatever Raph wasn’t his aggressor, the Deputy Inspector was done with him. 

“You don’t have to leave right away. He said he would tell you himself.”

Raph sat down, his heart pounding. He would see Leo and now, felt nervous as fuck. After all of what happened in the last 24 hours and now that he knows his boyfriend was having flashbacks of his rape, Raph was afraid to do something and fuck this up. He heard like underwater Don and the doc chatting about studies and whatever other doc’s last paper and this normalcy next to him raised his anxiety. These two looked like getting along, while he was about to turn single. After what he had lived with Leo, this burning intensity, Raph wouldn’t be able to settle down with someone else any time soon. 

“Stop damn flirting next to me!” he exclaimed. “Could ya please wait I’m outta there to rub in my face you still have something to hope for?”

Both of them turned awkward and Raph told himself that if he was in his usual mood, he would find that there was nothing as funny as two nerds flirting.

“I’m not flirting, “Don denied. “For your information, Hazel has our baby today, and she didn’t even call me. I always cared for her and loved her, but still, she can’t stand me. She was living at my house, still trying to win Leo back. This is the kind of wound too deep to do something like flirting the first nice girl I meet!”

Then, Don flushed, realizing what he had just said and it’s lit Raph’s mood a bit. 

“If you are worried about your relationship, Mr. Jones, you should not be. I’m sure it would be fine. Maybe you could do couple counseling and when Mr.Hamato will pull himself together and knowing him, it won’t take long, he…” She interrupted herself, watching a point behind Raph. “He is there.”

Raph snapped his head and he saw that indeed Leo was leaving a taxi. He was confused a moment, before remembering he had destroyed the collection car and the Mazda has a flat tire. The weight of what he had done weighted on him again. Maybe Leo had been shocked and maybe he was less fond of the car that he had thought, but he still destroyed something that they could have sell 100k. He won’t fight back at all if Leo wanted to punch him. 

“Sorry for the delay,” Leo said walking toward them with great strides. “I got...car problem,” he finally said, his jaw tense by the effort he was making to smile. He shook the hand of the doctor and Don’s, before sitting next to the doctor, in front of Raphael. But Leo was obviously ignoring him. Anyway, Raph didn’t want any handshake. For him, it was already weird Leo was so formal with his own brother. “So, you have a little gathering,” he said, his voice strained.

The doctor repeated the story and Leo nodded stiffly. 

“I know it’s very unusual, but I think it could be very helpful for you, Leonardo, if you listen to what your brother has to say.” She put her hand on Leo’s real one, giving it a little squeeze. “I think Mr.Jones could stay there since he knew the story by your brother, but it’s your call. He said he could leave if you are more comfortable with this.”

“I guess he could stay then,” Leo sighed and in relief, Raph leaned over the table to took the fake hand. Oddly, he always preferred this one. When Leo got it, it was when Raph had entered his life. It wasn’t a left hand that had a ring once. Raph knew it was crazy but this prothesis was a symbol for him, as a first love letter could be and he could help but stroke at it fondly when Leo was asleep. 

“I love you,” he blurted out again. “Now I understand better what you felt. I wish you will have told me but…”

“Let listen to this story,” Leo said, turning his gaze on Don’s avoiding Raph’s inquisitive eyes, but he didn’t remove his hand and so Raph clung at it. What Leo was about to learn would perhaps shock him.

Don started it again, in a low voice, staring at his cappuccino turning watery because of the ice cube melting. He put even more details and cried at the part he told about her mother getting shot. Raph stared at Leo very concerned, but his lover seemed more flabbergasted than in pain. He murmured something about how he could have forgotten about that and why people never told him the truth. Don explained why when the doctor realized he had lost memory of the traumatic event, he had suggested the never talk about it, according to their father. This is why he never tell and now Leo was free to hate him even more.

“Hate you, Don? I don’t hate you,” Leo denied.

“I broke your marriage,” Don exclaimed. “Stop holding back already and hit me!”

“To be honest, I was far angrier when you meddled with my relationship with Raphael,” Leo retorted. “He is a hand full already, without you,” his voice thick with intent and he glanced at Raph for the first time. “But currently I’m more concerned about yourself than me.” His focus was back on Don. “Our father had let a too heavy burden on a kid like you were. I’m very sorry, Don. I wish I have known sooner, to avoid this stress to you. But I’m relieved to know I’m not delusional. Thanks, doctor to have called me. It was indeed very enlightening. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going home.” Leo stood up and Raph was bewildered. Does Leo had nothing more to say? What about them?

“You, come with me. I’m not taking a taxi again. But don’t dare ride like a daredevil. Do you have my helmet? I don’t want to hit my head again.”

Raph nodded eagerly. Leo was coming home with him. He didn’t dare to put his hope too high but it was already unexpected. He pulled Leo’s helmet out of the seat trunk. He tried to read his lover’s expression, while he was snapping his helmet, but Leo was very careful to keep a poker face. Raph ride like a grandpa to their house, not wanting to anger Leo in any way and make the situation worse. When he turned on their street, the first thing he saw was the Porsche was getting towed. He climbed down his bike, ashamed and he let Leo deal with the towing truck. He had called them to get the car to the garage. Leo gave the address of Casey’s garage. 

Without a word, to Raph he walked to the house and nervous, Raph followed. The drug wasn’t there anymore and Leo had hung the curtain pole back.

He mumbled an apology that it wasn't sure was making sense.

The deputy Inspector dropped on the couch and uttered a long sigh as an answer. 

Raph rambled again and asked if Leo needed anything. Was he hungry? Raph hadn’t been there to cook the meal. Was he wanted to drink? It was so awkward.

“Your friend came here while you were at Don’s place. He told me everything.” 

The silence stretched and Raph cursed about Mikey the little shit and snitched about Raph doing drugs with other people all night. 

“He told me he antagonized me on purpose because he was interested in you, as I suspected."Of course, it wasn't only that, but Leo spared him. "He said he won’t do a move, anymore. He said you were all mine.” Leo has a greedy gleam in his eyes. “Now that I know I’m not crazy; and that a lot had been explained to me, tell me what you want, first? The talk or the sex?”

Raph was already on him, too excited. He knew they have a lot to talk about, but Raph always understood and expressed better with the body. But, would he look weird to chose the sex.

“Are you sure you are fine?” Raph asked. “You must have quite a shock with what your bro said to you.”

“I’m okay. It was so long ago, and well, I feel more sorry for Don. But I think he could heal better with a psychotherapist being his type, than with me. I wonder if they are still there. She would be a very nice girlfriend, for him.” Leo mused and stunned, Raph understood Leo left in a hurry, to give his bro the opportunity to know Nadia better. “I will still see her for a few counseling and you will too.” Leo stopped there and Raph understood Leo’s meant his addiction problem. “I won’t blame you more than that, because, with my weird behavior, I understand you were worried and having a hard time. But I didn’t know how to tell you, I was having a cold sweat just thinking you could touch me. I wanted too, but then, ..I saw so troubling image that I didn’t know where coming from…” Leo stopped there. “So, sex or talk? We will do both anyway.”

Raph knew that Leo knew what Raph’s choice was. Anyway, he knew it was the choice Leo wanted him to make. Of course, there was a lot to talk about, but those things would still exist in one hour, right? Now, Raph needed to feel his lover.

“The sex, “he exclaimed. “I missed your touch so much, babe..” he added to have a kind of validation. 

“You will feel my touch, all right,” Leo said, already untying his belt, grinning. “I will fuck you as hard as you hit this windshield.”

**Fin- no more sequel!**

**Author's Note:**

> whole serie inspired by this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-ORhEE9VVg  
> Leo is the hot dude. Raoh is...Taylor Swift


End file.
